I Tire of Poems I Cannot Taste (Revision 2) - Writers Forum

mswietek · 08-26-2005, 01:04 PM

I know I have been clogging the boards with this darn, poem, but please bare with me one more time. I promise it will be the last revision, until the next one. Its been a pretty tough day, and writing has been a godsend.

My idea here was that the entire poem really lived in the final stanza. So I wanted to see how few words I could possibly do this in. So here it is. I made the title pull its own weight, and gutted this thing to its bones.

I Tire of Poems I Cannot Taste

Your “hot steamy kiss”
means less to my lips
than a soft

__________cold plum

Why is cold plum hanging out by itself? I thought doing it re-enforced the spondee. And since the poem is rectangular when layed out, its like a little bite taken out of the poem like the bite a narrator might have taken from his plum. Too clever for its own good maybe....

Anyways, slash, stomp, and scream. I can take it.

Michael

Sparx · 08-26-2005, 01:44 PM

It’s ambitious. To structure the poem to look like its been taking a bit out off is very smart and it works for me but i doubt it would work for everyone. Personally, i think their isn't enough to really work with. I understand what you’re poem is saying but I don’t get any emotion and I don't really think about what I just read. However, it’s a nice idea though.

mswietek · 08-26-2005, 02:31 PM

Thanks Sparx,

There is just something I like about the last two words dropping from the poem the way they do...it wasn't something I had planned on in the beginning, I was just playing with the typography when I was happy with the words. I suspect many will not care for it, but I would love to hear opinions either way.

There isn't much emotion in this one. Its bordering on aphorism and is two syllables short in the second line of being a haiku. If anything, the only feeling I can evoke in such short space would be the tasting of a plum.

Thanks for commenting.

Michael

bobbiego · 08-26-2005, 07:09 PM

Michael, there was a time when the spacing of poems like this was very popular. I know several poets who like to do it....I have a poem that has zig-zag in it...I want it to zigzag down the page, just haven't figure out how to do it....I hope you can get this going again, they are fun, and different...and I think you can be short words in an haiku. That is the new thought going round anyway.

Nice little poem, I liked it alot.

Bobbie

mammamaia · 08-27-2005, 08:58 AM

the main problem i see here is that you've emphasized the physical taste/feel of someone's actual kiss, in the body, contrasting it with a bite of a plum, whereas the title concerns your mental/emotional taste in poetry...