Barbed wired condom - Writers Forum

Sparx · 08-26-2005, 08:04 AM

Barbed wired condom

Under the moon’s eyes
a girl walks upon the sleeping park
her cell phone attached to her ear
like a leech
unaware of the demented mind
that follows her
like a stray dog

She feels him grab her neck
his hands wrap around her body
In a python’s grip
she closes her eyes as she feels
his hands upon her thighs
menacing and as sinful
as a murderer’s

She lies across the grass
pain walks across her body
with a child’s curiosity
she feels her tears kiss
the scars on her body
and her soul

103_smalls · 08-26-2005, 09:26 AM

yuck, this made me cringe.

I enjoyed this... I especially enjoy the way you set up each stanza to refect the one before it. Good poem, Sparx

Psycho6058 · 08-26-2005, 09:34 AM

Very provacitive, but I don't think there will be a big demand for barbed wire condoms (ouch)

mammamaia · 08-26-2005, 09:43 AM

some powerful imagery here, sparx... both physical and emotional... some
typos/spelling goofs need fixing though...

and i'm not sure i can go with the barbed wire condom idea... i know you
mean it to evoke the pain and damage rape causes, but somehow, it's so far
from possible physically, it doesn't work for me...

here are the things needing correction:

Under the moon’s eyes
a girl walks into the sleeping park,
her cell phone attached to her ear
like a leech,
unaware of the demented mind
that follows her
like a stray dog. [2 'like's not too good... see if you can lose one]

She feels him grab her neck.
His hands wrap around her body
like a python.
She closes her eyes as she feels
his hands upon her thighs.
menacing and sinful,
like a murderer's. [more 'like's... see below for how to avoid them]

She lies across the grass,
pain walks across her body.
Like a curious child,
she feels her tears kiss
the scars on her body
and her soul.

Another woman, victim [don't need to specify woman, as could be a child]
of the barbed wired condom.[/b]

Her cell phone a leech, attached to her ear

That follows her
Like a stray dog [this one's ok]

His hands wrap her body
in a python's grip

Menacing and as sinful
as a murderer's

with a child's curiosity

...losing all those extraneous capitals makes it easy to read... i hope this is helpful... love and hugs, maia

Sparx · 08-26-2005, 09:54 AM

Thanks for the replies everyone. Mammamaia thank you for the corrections. I will correct them right away but thanks for the help.

mammamaia · 08-26-2005, 09:57 AM

definitely my pleasure, honeybun!... your work shows much promise and i'm always glad to see serious topics addressed, and not just one's personal angst or amorous amblings...

nae411 · 08-26-2005, 10:04 AM

Sparx, the subject matter really hurts to read but you did a good job executing the material.

Nae

Sparx · 08-26-2005, 11:52 AM

Thanks for the reple nae411.

mswietek · 08-26-2005, 01:14 PM

Sparx,

I like the poem overall, and agree with Maia's comments. The "barbed wire condom" doesn't quite sit right with me, though. The reason is that a barbed wire condom would hurt the wearer as much as the victim. If you wanted to portray the hurt that both would feel, that would work very well. Barbed wire phallus perhaps?

Michael

Sparx · 08-26-2005, 01:36 PM

Thanks for the comments mswietek however who's to say that this barbed wired condom doesn't hurt the rapist wearing it. That the rapist who is raping this girl doesn't feel some sort of mental pain whilst carrying out his intentions?

08-26-2005, 02:06 PM

I would drop the last two lines. You don't need them. You already have mention of that powerful image in the title.

vodka

thy_wings_are_torn · 08-26-2005, 06:41 PM

i loved this poem greatly, as said before it has great imagery although i see a different meaning to the barbed wire condom, i see it as the grip around the victim rather than an actual condom because it is pain all around the body and the python grip as though she can't move, i shall not make corrections to your work as i don't see anything wrong with it, also i don't believe in correcting other people's work because it is up to them what they write.
p.s. that is possibly the longest sentence i have ever wrote.

Sparx · 08-27-2005, 11:20 AM

Thanks for the reply thy_wings_are_torn and i'm very sorry if my poem made you write a very long paragraph. Forgive me,lol. Ms Vodka i see what you mean. I added those last two lines to create a kind of strong feeling that would stick to you but i might just remove it. Thanks for the replies.