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| Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc. |
08-21-2005, 06:27 PM
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#1
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Dec 2004
Gender: Male
Posts: 461
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Scream Out Of Tune In This Choir
God help me.
I see them charging due to a broken cause.
They fight for You, oh but don’t they see?
All I see in them is one overwhelming flaw.
They don’t see, they can’t.
How I want to scream Your true intentions.
But their stubborn eyes won’t break from their damned flaw.
God help me.
Save me from their ways.
God help me.
Help me scream out of tune in this choir.
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08-21-2005, 06:30 PM
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#2
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Addict
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Alone
Posts: 104
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oh, frustration! I like that. I've felt that way, as you said, 'screaming out of tune with the choir'. It's really good. I can feel your emotion in the poem.
~Unpretty
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08-21-2005, 07:10 PM
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#3
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Dec 2004
Gender: Male
Posts: 461
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Thank you for the kind coment. Actually, that line came from the new Blindside cd. I heard the song where that line is in the bridge and got inspired to do this poem.
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08-21-2005, 07:53 PM
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#4
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Profound Writer
Join Date: May 2005
Location: At my desk, with my pen
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,035
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First let me say that it's excellent for you to be accuiring inspiration from every source that you can... good man! Secondly: I loved the concept of this poem... like... a lot! However, the rythem could be worked on a bit... and try to convey this emotion that I share with you really hit the reader in the face like a sledge! Keep 'em comin' mah man!
__________________
GOD HELP ME!
IT'S THE SOUND THAT MAKES ME PUNCH INFANTS! (but not ms. vodka's)
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08-21-2005, 08:13 PM
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#5
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Dec 2004
Gender: Male
Posts: 461
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Thank you for your kind words. I always seem to have problems with rythem. I'll try to improve on that in my next poem.
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08-23-2005, 09:42 AM
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#6
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 197
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Football,
Very nice poem, but you in to put the one line in Quotes, and give notice of who wrote it first at the bottem of your poem. Finding inspiration is all the media is wonderful, but you have to give credit to the source if you use direct quotes....other than that, I see great potential in your poetry...welcome to the forum, and give us more.
Bobbie
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08-23-2005, 11:37 AM
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#7
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Dec 2004
Gender: Male
Posts: 461
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Oh, hah, oops. That's right, I didn't credit the source. Well, it's from the Blindside cd "The Great Depression". It's in the song "We Are To Follow" and was written by Christian Lindskog.
And thank you for the kind words and suggestions.
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