103_smalls

this is something that I kind of pooped out this morning... it's not great, but I figured that since I'm going camping this weekend, I might as well leave with a post saying that I was leaving... and a poem of course!

"Asleep"

I find myself
indifferent
to this
annoyance
that you call
Reality

Let me sleep,
and let me
dream
Let me create
my own world
for me
Let me dwell
in this utopia
in my brain,
But whatever you do…
please,
don’t let me wake

__________________
GOD HELP ME!

IT'S THE SOUND THAT MAKES ME PUNCH INFANTS! (but not ms. vodka's)

mswietek

I have to say this is my favorite poem of yours so far. I make a few suggestions below, but as always they are only suggestions. Just a bit of tightening. I very much like the repetition of "Let me...".

Good stuff.

Michael

I find myself
indifferent
to this
annoyance
that you call // you can drop "that"
Reality

Let me sleep, // Let me sleep.
and let me // Let me dream.
dream
Let me create
my own world
for me // You can remove this line (we know its for you)
Let me dwell
in this utopia
in my brain, // You can drop this line as well (we know its in your head).
But whatever you do… // Please (The "but" seems out of place as your plea here echoes instead of contradicts the previous lines.
please,
don’t let me wake // don't wake me.

__________________
"Don't imagine that the art of poetry is any simpler than the art of music, or that you can please the expert before you have spent at least as much effort on the art of verse as an average piano teacher spends on the art of music." - Ezra Pound

Burnz

Slim

I feel like this nearly every day. I think creative people hate what the real world has to offer, zest it up I say. Let me imagine I'm having a good time and that Angelina Jolie is really sleeping beside me each night. Reality, bah...who needs it.

__________________
"It's none of their business that you have to learn how to write. Let them think you were born that way."
-Ernest Hemingway

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ms. vodka

i like this very much, but i would end it somehow... a bit differently... but i'm not sure how...

jen

Sparx

Nice poem, 103 smalls. You have captured this feeling well in your poem. Its kind of dreamy to me but it suits this poem. If only life was a dream....Oh well reality isn't always bad. Nice poem, 103 smalls.

__________________

"KNIVES AND RHYMES"

103_smalls

mswietek- Thank you for reading (and liking ) my poem. I'll read over what you had to say as far as suggestions as soon as my eyelids aren't closing in over my eyes!

Burnz- Indeed, we do live in our own little writer's world! Thank you for the read mah man!

Vodka- I'll look into a different ending... it kinda bugs me too. Thanks for the read.

Sparx- Indeed, reality can be good when it's not biting you in the ass. Thanks for the read, Sparx

__________________
GOD HELP ME!

IT'S THE SOUND THAT MAKES ME PUNCH INFANTS! (but not ms. vodka's)

Unpretty Girl

It seems kind of sad to me for some reason... but I like it very much. Great job Smalls!
~Unpretty

LadyBard

I really like this poem. Sometimes it's like we really are living in a dream,
and that is our reality.

I've learned that reality is relative.

__________________
Whatever floats your little boat.

103_smalls

Unpretty Girl- Don't call yourself unpretty! Anyway... I think if you felt a bit sad, you got what you were supposed to get out of it... thank you for the read... and welcome to Writing Forums.

LadyBard- Thanks for the read, LadyBard, and welcome to Writing Forums! Indeed, we all wish that we could live in our own little utopias, eh? Interesting concept with the "reality is a relative" thing.

__________________
GOD HELP ME!

IT'S THE SOUND THAT MAKES ME PUNCH INFANTS! (but not ms. vodka's)