One of my few poems - Writers Forum

Tao of Me · 08-18-2005, 07:39 PM

A Moment Upon A shore
By: Tao Of Me/ David XXXXX

A salty breeze that chills the skin,
A lapping ocean that roars to the ears.
A moon upon the sky, its gaze upon us,
Keeping ever watchful eye.

Wind tossing your hair,
The moonlight casts upon you it’s glow.
Breathless I become, as I gaze upon you,
In oldest light, you look anew.

With flirtatious laughter, and brilliant smile
You melt mine heart, you take me as I am.
Giddy with wonder, drunk on the moment,
I reach for you, entwined as lovers.

With nervous anticipation, I feel your breath upon my neck,
With whispered breath, you tell me your thoughts.
An eternity passes, this moment ours,
Our passion unquenched, our hands denied touch.

I pull from your embrace, to gaze in your eyes,
Pleading I see, longing I feel.
With thought of wanton, a kiss upon your lips,
With ecstasy I taste you upon mine.

The kiss breaks free, its power revealing,
Twas unquenched, now passion reigns.
What was denied is now made known,
An eternity now is not long enough.

Anticipation turns, to fear of parting,
We dare not speak of this,
We linger in the moment, longing for time,
Until once more, we meet upon this, our shore.

103_smalls · 08-18-2005, 11:17 PM

I saw that this didn't have any comments and I was like "hey man I'mma look at it" so I looked at it... and first let me say that there was some BE-AU-TI-FUL imagery... and you conveyed the feeling of passion quite well... had me breathing a bit heavy myself at times!

But there were some things that I noticed.. mostly just the same thing over and over again: the repeating of the same word multiple times within two lines, which made for a some what disrupted flow... like here...

Quote:

A salty breeze that chills the skin,
A lapping ocean that roars to the ears.
A moon upon the sky, its eye upon us,
Keeping ever watchful eye.

You say that the moon has it's eye upon you... then you say it again the next line in different words, and you repeat the word "eye"...

There were a few more examples of the same thing in other stanzas.. but beside that, there really isn't anything that I can complain about... this poem really was beautiful.. keep 'em coming!

Taz · 08-20-2005, 04:58 AM

This poem sucked me in imidietly played on my emotions and just plain and simply one me over great job keep writing as i want to read more.

Tao of Me · 08-22-2005, 09:46 AM

I fixed that most noticable one, apparently it slipped through in the re-typing of the poem. I'm thrilled the two of you loved it. I've always been hesitant about my poetry, since there is so little of it in my portfolio, and I've never shown it to anyone, not even the people who've inspired it. But I'll see if I can pull more out, and we'll see how it's received. But I'm ecstatic it was well received.

VictorManuel · 08-22-2005, 11:46 AM

I haven`t much to add, I just want to point out that I enjoyed reading it and would like to read more from the works you have written and the ones you will write.

Tao of Me · 08-22-2005, 02:10 PM

knowing someone enjoyed it is quite enough, so you have contributed in your own way.

duende · 08-24-2005, 01:10 AM

I, too, was drawn into this one. Well played out to the end.