Jaz

People, hold on.. don't kill me yet ..
please i was told to rewrite this thread.. because it had some mistakes.. OK it was Lame...
but please bear in mind that i know nothing.. NOTHING about poetry, so please give me ur comments as easy as u could..
PLEASE..
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In the night it’s late, am tired as hell
accepting my fate, I am laying still
although I hate it, it is not in my hand
I try and I try, but I cannot make a stand

Empty now from feelings, what so ever
there it comes and I reckon, I’ll be dead forever
I close my eyes, where my conscious is gone
yes, that was it, the day is now done

Then I gain back my feelings, and then, she goes
and all of that battle, was just a vaguely dose
from my window I see the light
it’s early in the morning
not late in the night

__________________
"Tomorrow never comes untill it's too late..."

mswietek

MUWAA HAA HAA! Too late, nothing can save you now!
Important thing to note: This is a considerable improvement over your first effort. Like anything else, poetry takes time. Keep writing, keep reading. Read other people's poetry. If you like it, think about why. If you don't like it, think about why not.

From what I get by reading your poem, your narrator is feeling depressed, tired, and powerless. In the second stanza, the narrator "gives up" and tries to fade away, but in the third stanza he "comes back" realizes its morning (and with morning there is some hope).

As a (gentle I hope) suggestion. In your poem give us a little description of the surroundings. It helps the reader to for a mental picture. For instance, the narrator is laying down. What is he laying on? Is it an immaculately made bed? Is he laying on the floor? Is he laying on a bed also covered in laundry. Each choice you make will help to characterize the narrator. For instance, if he is in his bedroom which is austere and plain and immaculate; the helplessness might bother him because it is the one thing he cannot control. If the room is as disheveled as the narrator, it could indicate that everything is out of control.

Hope this helps. Keep writing!

Michael

__________________
"Don't imagine that the art of poetry is any simpler than the art of music, or that you can please the expert before you have spent at least as much effort on the art of verse as an average piano teacher spends on the art of music." - Ezra Pound

Jaz

Michael.. thank you thank you THANK YOU..
you have no idea how much u've helped me realy..

yeah i've got your comment 'bout characterizing!! i'll do my best in the coming work..
as for the poem, it's just simply, am sleeping on my bed..

again, thank you v.much..

Michael, the people like you, is the reason we keep tryin'

Thanx..

__________________
"Tomorrow never comes untill it's too late..."

mswietek

Thanks Jaz,

I am glad you found it useful.

Michael

__________________
"Don't imagine that the art of poetry is any simpler than the art of music, or that you can please the expert before you have spent at least as much effort on the art of verse as an average piano teacher spends on the art of music." - Ezra Pound