From a Prisoner's Pen - Writers Forum

Quack Corleone · 08-17-2005, 10:40 PM

I'm new. Here's a poem for the slaughter. I wrote it a few years ago after, I think, reading an article about political prisoners. It's pretty straight forward and tells a story, 'cause I like poems that tell stories. And, by God, I swear I'll ape and mimic Poe as much as I want to!

From a Prisoner's Pen

In a cell I am sitting,
As my teeth are slowly gritting,
Without rest or thought of quitting,
I am thinking of my plan.

The torturer is soundly sleeping,
dreaming of tomorrow’s reaping,
Through his bed sweat is seeping,
In the room next door.

In the hall a guard is walking,
To himself he’s quickly talking,
Mutterings both lewd and shocking,
He makes his midnight round.

My mouth is dry and hands are shaking,
I try to stop myself from breaking,
Months have I been in here baking,
Tonight is my escape.

Close I am to finally snapping,
When there comes a forceful tapping,
On my door someone is rapping,
The guard has come at last.

He’s come to check if I’m still breathing,
If information they’ll be receiving,
When tomorrow my body’s wreathing,
Under the torturer’s command.

But I sit still, remain unspeaking,
So through the keyhole the guard starts peeking,
He thinks that I am dead, not sleeping,
And he opens the door.

When he nears I start my thrashing,
On his back he falls, crashing,
My fists his head start violently smashing,
Until he moves no more.

I’m not sure if he’s dead or dying,
As through the halls I’m swiftly flying,
The torturer will not by prying, spying,
The inside of my mind.

As the gates behind I’m leaving,
Through the trees I’m deftly weaving,
My mind is the thing I’m thieving.
In the shadows I stay.

103_smalls · 08-17-2005, 10:48 PM

brilliant, excellent... and a whole bunch of other positive adjectives! I loved it! Looking VERY forward to see more of your work!

Pardot Kynes · 08-17-2005, 10:55 PM

COOL! And you say you wrote this a couple of years ago..so you must have improved! I think you should write some more here..but make sure to post in other threads as well.

Psycho6058 · 08-18-2005, 06:15 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Quack Corleone

When there comes a forceful tapping,
On my door someone is rapping,

Shows a little influence from E.A.Poe's "The Raven"
Overall a very enjoyable read. the meter gets a little rough in a couple spots (minor, I think you can smooth it out) Otherwise well done.
(as a foot note, in the 9th stanza, I would move spying down to the next line.) Also On this line":My fists his head start violently smashing, might read better as "My fists against his head start smashing" or something to that effect.

Ben · 08-18-2005, 06:22 AM

Hey, I really liked this. And that's about all I can say because I am definately not a poetry expert.

Oh and Psycho... He did warn us

Quote:

And, by God, I swear I'll ape and mimic Poe as much as I want to!

bobbiego · 08-18-2005, 08:34 AM

Quack Corleone,

You said in a comment you liked poems about something other than angst and love...you have succeeded in doing that. A prisoner escape in rhyme, wouldn't have thought it could be done.

Nice Job....hope to see more poetry.

Bobbie

**Penelope** · 08-18-2005, 08:47 AM

I liked the rhyme scheme in this poem because it complimented the story being told. Good word choices too. My minor quibble is the content/flow of the unrhymed line. It would cut the stanza short instead of taking it into the next one. This may have been intentional but, for me, it undermined the fabulous lines. My other thought was that you had two stanzas with similar sounding rhyme. No big deal but I noticed.

Jaz · 08-18-2005, 09:02 AM

Brilliant, simply brilliant..
it's realy beautiful, 'n enjot to read it..

'n like what Pardot Kynes have said, u must've been improvin' now!!

can't wait to read more..

thank u..

mammamaia · 08-18-2005, 11:15 AM

i think it would benefit from making the end lines of the stanzas rhyme [as i believe eap did]... with all the end lines being different here, the flow is constantly interrupted, instead of taking the reader smoothly from one stanza to the next...

**Penelope** · 08-18-2005, 11:26 AM

two other possibilities which I've seen before are:

the last line rhymes with the next stanza

all the last lines rhyme with each other. This would be quite a feat in a poem this long.

I don't think the end line needs to rhyme but it's chopped off instead of complimenting the tempo.