Scars (May be unsuitable...) - Writers Forum

103_smalls · 08-17-2005, 08:14 PM

Another one of those poems where Smalls writes angrily...

[disc:e3477b0ecc] May be unsuitable for some audiences [/disc:e3477b0ecc]

I dont know why my poetry has been swearing these past couple... maybe because I've been listening to Eminem while writing them

anyway, here it is

"Scars"

Signs of self-descruction
triumphantly
claim my wrists:
A scar
for every time
you broke my heart
A drop of blood
wasted
for every word,
Tender meat created
on my once healthy skin
You fuckers better know
that I'll never
be the same again[/i]

08-17-2005, 08:24 PM

hello smalls...

have you ever ate at mcdonald's? i hear they have good milkshakes there...

now, this poem... return to anger i see.

i have only one small problem:

you seem to be referring to the one who broke your heart as singular.

and then this:

Quote:

You fuckers better know
that I'll never
be the same again

k, now it's plural.

possibly would you consider something like:

You better fucking know
that I'll never
be the same again.

???

vodka

103_smalls · 08-17-2005, 08:32 PM

I just LOOOVE McDonald's!

Anyway, yeah... anger, not at any particular person, but at Writer's Block... effin' hate it. I dunno... I really wanna keep the "you fuckers" thing.. but you're right, I noticed that before I posted and hoped that nobody else would... 'cause I want it to be like a "it's YOUR fault" kind of line.. so calling "them" (whoever they may be) fuckers is kind of... i dunno in-your-face... then again i suppose what you suggeted is too.. humm....

I think I'mma take your suggestion, just for the purpose of the poem making sense. Thanks Vodka!

UPDATE:

"Scars"

Signs of self-descruction
triumphantly
claim my wrists:
A scar
for every time
you broke my heart
A drop of blood
wasted
for every word,
Tender meat created
on my once healthy skin
You better fucking know
that I'll never
be the same again

08-17-2005, 08:36 PM

mmm... if you really need to keep it... you could always change the above to plural somehow...

but if you're going to keep it this way i suggest you drop 'again' in the last line.

did you honestly think i wouldn't notice???

see, now you're not gonna be able to get me off your back.

103_smalls · 08-17-2005, 08:50 PM

nooo! I don' tknow how long I can carry you on my back!!! I have knee problems, you know?!

Puppeteer · 08-17-2005, 09:16 PM

yes yes now i do see that again should be dropped after changing it for what the third time? but i like this one

Burnz · 08-17-2005, 09:17 PM

Smalls,

I can feel your anger. Now, strike me down!...wait, that was from the return of the jedi...anyway I like your progression. Into every poet's life, a little blood must fall, an F bomb must be dropped and a big mac must be eaten. Keep it up.

103_smalls · 08-17-2005, 09:22 PM

Burnz, as of this moment, I am in love with you. That was so funny that i died laughing, came back to life and laughed again!... then got myself a 6-piece chicken select...

Thank you for the read!