Saturnal

I wanna take what you hold.
I gotta do what I’m told
and fuckin' peel back the fold.
I want it.

I can picture your grin
when you’re slithering in.
I see the flush in your skin.
You got it.

So now the soul that was blue
is burning up inside you.
You cry and breathe lies so true.
I love it.

And when you wake from this dream,
just baptized in your stream,
you’ll be above the extreme.
You know it.

__________________
him from the city,
so him gotta be witty

Rico

The rhyming in this poem gives it a very sing-song feel, I'm not sure if you were going for that or not. However, the rhymes seem, in themself, very forced. blue/you/true...I don't know, I'm just not very partial to it.

This is the place where I find the rhythm off the most. It just stumbles in my mind when I read it. There's one too few syllables in the second line.

I'm not sure what you meant by this stanza, but it holds the best imagery of the poem.

Also "slithering in" created a great mental picture for me.

So, in general, I like this poem, but I think it could still use some work.

Saturnal

Yeah, good eye on that. This is meant to be sung, but it's not quite a song yet. It might be one day. But when I recite it to myself, I do sing it. I tried to make it read well by stressing either the 3rd or 4th and last syllables in each line like:

So now the SOUL that was BLUE
Is burning UP inside YOU

I think those 2 lines have the same number of syllables though.

What sorta picture did you get by the way? I'm always curious as to how people interpret me.

__________________
him from the city,
so him gotta be witty

ms. vodka

i thought it was like a song too...

man, saturnal, you've been writing some really hot shit lately.

vodka

Saturnal

Thanks spygirl. Maybe I'll sing it to ya sometime.

__________________
him from the city,
so him gotta be witty

Puppeteer

i agree with rico the you does look like it was only added to make it rhyme

i really like this one

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a writers soul will never die
it will live forever through his words

Tunkpirate

this poem makes me all hot in the pants...

sexual and I liked it

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"Any road followed precisely to its end leads precisely nowhere. Climb the mountain just a little bit to test that it's a mountain. From the top of the mountain, you cannot see the mountain."

Saturnal

Woah, thanks for reading all.

__________________
him from the city,
so him gotta be witty