Tunkpirate

Requiem for a Lover Lost

She was wearing fake pearls;
I’m in love I said,
No you're not she replied,
she was wrong.

Panacea for a midnight fantasy,
watching the streetlight flicker.
this, I thought, is what makes life worth
getting out of bed for.

Breathe deeper she said,
I try.
relax she said,
I try.
Exhale she said,
I couldn’t.

Ashes of cigarettes,
falling like snowflakes.
Hot,
burning,
I could relate.

Kiss me I said.
I can’t she replied.
Goodnight, I said.
Goodnight.

**thanks Ms V for pointing out some things **

__________________
"Any road followed precisely to its end leads precisely nowhere. Climb the mountain just a little bit to test that it's a mountain. From the top of the mountain, you cannot see the mountain."

103_smalls

I enjoyed this as well... 'twas a cute lil' love poem

Looking forward to seeing more of your work!

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GOD HELP ME!

IT'S THE SOUND THAT MAKES ME PUNCH INFANTS! (but not ms. vodka's)

Psycho6058

Very nice piece, it reminds me of one by e e cummings called "May i feel said he"

may i feel said he
(i'll squeal said she
just once said he)
it's fun said she


(may i touch said he
how much said she
a lot said he)
why not said she


(let's go said he
not too far said she
what's too far said he
where you are said she)


may i stay said he
(which way said she
like this said he
if you kiss said she


may i move said he
is it love said she)
if you're willing said he
(but you're killing said she


but it's life said he
but your wife said she
now said he)
ow said she


(tiptop said he
don't stop said she
oh no said he)
go slow said she


(cccome?said he
ummm said she)
you're divine!said he
(you are Mine said she)

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All that is necessary for the forces of evil to win the world is for enough good men to do nothing...Edmund Burke

ms. vodka

this is gorgeous... i don't know what you're talking about... maybe you can write like me someday and all that... this is excellent... and beautiful.

only a couple of things:

the your here should be you're

and:

i think would read better like

Panacea for a midnight fantasy,
watching the streetlight flicker.
this, I thought, is what makes life worth
getting out of bed for.

this stanza is like a teeny, tiny trip to heaven:

i absolutely cannot wait to read more of your work. can you feel the pressure??? lol.

vodka

Tunkpirate

This is why I love sharing and discussing with other writers. They can point out things and also just make me warm inside .

Off topic: I just noticed the Gigi/Ms. V spy vs spy avatars. Cute

__________________
"Any road followed precisely to its end leads precisely nowhere. Climb the mountain just a little bit to test that it's a mountain. From the top of the mountain, you cannot see the mountain."

Puppeteer

wow whenever i try to write without rhyme i always seem to get mad i could never complete somehting like this

__________________
a writers soul will never die
it will live forever through his words

Pardot Kynes

I can find the rythym in this...I like it. If you wanted though, you could add more detail to connect how you got from cigarettes to the house...

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http://www.theodore-roosevelt.com/trsorbonnespeech.html
http://www.rjgeib.com/thoughts/451/451.html

"Quit trying to be as nasty as I am- you don't have my years of practice"- Jubal Harshaw

Tunkpirate

There was never a house...and who said it was cigarettes.

__________________
"Any road followed precisely to its end leads precisely nowhere. Climb the mountain just a little bit to test that it's a mountain. From the top of the mountain, you cannot see the mountain."