Even if ever - Writers Forum

Psycho6058 · 08-17-2005, 01:01 PM

Even if ever
was never
a why?
For chest-beating
(mass-meeting)
gloryonhigh
rolling down aisles
reach for the sky
pass the collection plate
‘til we’re bled dry.

Even if ever
was yesterday-
snooze
Sleeping in
subways
without any
shoes
Asking for handouts
from standouts
(who choose)
to not say
the subway
is noway
to lose.

Quack Corleone · 08-18-2005, 02:48 AM

Well, I'm not sure what you're trying to say with this. "chest-beating" and "collection plate" make me think of patriotism and religion, but that's about all I can pick out. I sense a negative vibe about both. I also sense a typo at the end.

In a general way, it does remind me quite a bit of Dylan's 'Subterranean Homesick Blues'. Which is a good thing.

Psycho6058 · 08-18-2005, 06:02 AM

Thank you QC, anytime you want to put me in the company of Bob Dylan, I'll never complain (grin), and "noway" was not a typo, it was intended as was the hyphen on "yesterday" to tie it to "snooze" and make it "yesterday's news"

Ben · 08-18-2005, 06:17 AM

I don't think that QC meant noway. That loose you've got there in the last line should be lose.

I'm not sure about this poem. I like it, but I'm not sure if it's as good as your others.

Psycho6058 · 08-18-2005, 06:26 AM

Good catch you two, thanks. That was indeed a typo.

mammamaia · 08-18-2005, 11:00 AM

i can't figger out what thisun's about... can't see any connection 'tween the two sections and can't make no sense outa the contents o' neither... seems t'me you were just playing with rhyme and madeup words, more'n trying to say anything coherent...

guess i'll need a diagram with this one, wayne... or, maybe i just need another cuppa green tea?...

hugs, m

Capulet · 08-18-2005, 11:05 AM

Ya, the first sections seems pretty clear, but I'm not sure how it ties into the second; especially with the double negative going on at the end.

Psycho6058 · 08-18-2005, 11:16 AM

O.K., see if this helps....The first section you are being introduced to the "standout" ....Mr. Americanpie, preaching patriotism, going to church on Sunday, donating (begrudgingly) his hard earned dollars. In the second part he faces the reality of the world...men sleeping in subways because they have nowhere else to go, and when asked for help he won't even take the time go give advice or words of encouragemnt let alone cash.

mammamaia · 08-18-2005, 11:18 AM

sorry, but none of what you explained is coming through in the poem... not to me, anyway..

Capulet · 08-18-2005, 11:26 AM

The first section gave me the idea that we were seeing a group of church goers caught up in their weekly rapture, willingly parting with their dollars until they were left broke.

I frankly don't know what to say of the second section; I'm struggling to see it in the context of the first section, and by doing so losing any ability to pull a solid statement out of it.

It makes me think, so that's something, but if your goal was to convey a specific message, then it's being lost.