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| Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc. |
08-16-2005, 07:56 AM
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#1
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Southern California
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,607
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I Saw You
I saw you in my dreams again last night.
Your memory still haunts my soul.
It's never a complete dream,
Just a glimpse here and there,
Like the iridescent color of a gossamer wing.
Like a wisp of smoke curling up from a crackling fire.
Like a tiny ripple in a silent still green pond.
Just enough to let me know you're there.
I saw you in my dreams again last night.
Not for very long, not long enough really.
Like a co-star in a never-ending drama?
No, not even a co-star
More like a walk-on without a speaking role
But hovering majestically above the crowds
With that subtle smile I miss so much
Just enough to let me know you're there.
I saw you in my dreams again last night.
Just long enough for a smile and a nod
I wonder if you see me in your dreams too
Wandering through time wondering what went wrong
I hope you think about me now and then
Not for very long
Just a glimpse here and there
Just enough to let you know I'm here.
__________________
All that is necessary for the forces of evil to win the world is for enough good men to do nothing...Edmund Burke
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08-16-2005, 08:45 AM
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#2
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 197
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Psy
Well this is refreshing, and something different from you. Of course I can not keep up with all your poems.
I think, and mind you this is just a suggestion, that you could do without this line.
"Wandering through time wondering what went wrong "
We know something went wrong, just wanting her to remember is enough
I think the last for lines say it all.
Bobbie
Nice work!
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08-16-2005, 09:19 AM
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#3
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Profound Writer
Join Date: May 2005
Location: At my desk, with my pen
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,035
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well, i disagree with bobb, i rather enjoyed that line! Definetely different from your usual, Psycho, but I wasn't dissapointed. You conveyed a feeling that so many of us have so often quite well... it was easy to understand and follow, as always, good job!
__________________
GOD HELP ME!
IT'S THE SOUND THAT MAKES ME PUNCH INFANTS! (but not ms. vodka's)
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08-16-2005, 11:17 AM
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#4
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this made me want to bang my head on the desk over and over because i know exactly what you're writing about... ugh... the subtle haunting of dreams...
honestly, there's nothing i can see here that needs improvement.
nicely done, psycho. heartfelt.
vodka
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08-16-2005, 12:00 PM
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#5
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Southern California
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,607
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Bobbie, smalls & ms.v, thank you all for your kind remarks.
Bobbie that line you referred to is intended to "ask" if she also wonders about what went wrong, not to show that the narrator is wondering...so I think I need to leave it in. Thanks again.
__________________
All that is necessary for the forces of evil to win the world is for enough good men to do nothing...Edmund Burke
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