Long, Tall Cold One - Writers Forum

Burnz · 08-15-2005, 10:54 PM

Long, Tall Cold One

Creeping slowly along
in the white expanse
each movement sounds
like cutting styrofoam with a dull knife.

The creaking grows in volume
to sharp whip cracks,
each sound reverberates
through the steel horse.

Heaving and swelling
hammer to the floor trying to
get the hell out of here
beforeitstoolate.

One last, loud cough
and the frigid maw
opens like a killer whale
swallowing me greedily.

Floating down slowly
into the crystal beauty
scarcely seen by anyone,
framed in the headlights.

Serene numbness is replaced
By fear as the arctic water
Rushes in to caress me.

Icy fingers prod at my mouth
Like an overaggressive coed
Forcing itself on me
Coaxing me to take the first sip.

Pardot Kynes · 08-16-2005, 06:31 AM

It could stand to be smoother, but I like the concept. Might wanna put some more spaces on the last line of stanza 3 though.

Burnz · 08-16-2005, 05:29 PM

HI, thanks for stopping by to comment. I wanted the spaces to be like that. It was supposed to show how urgent and scared the subject was.

08-16-2005, 07:53 PM

very nice... gripping...

wanting to know, though, why did you make one stanza three lines only?

trippy effect?

vodka

nae411 · 08-16-2005, 07:57 PM

Maybe there are good reasons to live in Florida afterall. Urgency does come through and damn if it doesn't make it chilly in here. Another good write Michael.

Nae ;0)

Burnz · 08-16-2005, 08:23 PM

Nae-Yes, this was from my extensive years in Minnesota. My brother-in-law actually experienced this for himself. Makes me shiver thinking about it. I have been on the lake when it does crack though. Feels like you will plunge in at any second.

Vodka-Yes, it is actually to make it trippy. It just felt right to leave that stanza to three lines. Thanks for stopping to read and comment. Lovely ladies that you both are!

**Penelope** · 08-17-2005, 07:42 AM

Okay, call me off kilter but as I read this it took me to the times when the lake was frozen over and people would risk driving across - when break up came - there usually was one moron who'd take a chance and lose their vehicle (usually a pick up truck and quite often brand new). The sound of break up on a river or lake cracks like rifle shots and you can hear it for miles. Then I got into the icebreaker with salt water and I figured the same thing happened on the ocean where it's cold enough to freeze. I was having a high old time with this poem and all my memories of the cold. don't laugh but I thought it was an overagressive cod. heh!

Burnz · 08-17-2005, 05:34 PM

Penelope,

We are ice babies. Born in the tundras we love to call home. Thanks for stopping by and commenting.