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| Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc. |
08-15-2005, 07:27 PM
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#1
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Profound Writer
Join Date: May 2005
Location: At my desk, with my pen
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,035
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Like Venom
You're a lie
as sick
and twisted
as your crooked smile:
Deception's snakes
make lips
to a mouth
whose voice
makes lies,
potent and
lethal
Like venom
something tells me that there needs to be a punctuation change in there somewhere... any suggestions???
__________________
GOD HELP ME!
IT'S THE SOUND THAT MAKES ME PUNCH INFANTS! (but not ms. vodka's)
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08-15-2005, 07:34 PM
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#2
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Maryland
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,113
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I think the semi-colon at the end seems out of place.
Hey, that was awesome. Probably my favorite of yours yet. You keep getting better, smalls. Keep it up.
__________________
The Palace Flophouse
When Newton closed his eyes beneath a tree
and took the apple from the serpent, he
conceived the urge of humanity, plea, plea,
procreant desire and tendency.
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08-15-2005, 07:39 PM
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#3
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Profound Writer
Join Date: May 2005
Location: At my desk, with my pen
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,035
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Quote:
I think the semi-colon at the end seems out of place.
Hey, that was awesome. Probably my favorite of yours yet. You keep getting better, smalls. Keep it up.
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I edited it, and got rid of that pesky semicolon!
Thank you very much, Achilles. It's comments like those, along with honest critiqueing that keep me in this writing game. 
__________________
GOD HELP ME!
IT'S THE SOUND THAT MAKES ME PUNCH INFANTS! (but not ms. vodka's)
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08-15-2005, 08:22 PM
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#4
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dang! smalls! you're going off!
looks good to me now... but i didn't see the semi-colon.
nasty though...
jen
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08-15-2005, 09:14 PM
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#5
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Profound Writer
Join Date: May 2005
Location: At my desk, with my pen
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,035
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Thanks Vodka! Well, if I'm "going off", you know what that means, right? It means that I'm a rocket, and you are one of the scientists up at NASA who built it!... only I'm sure your expert advice is must more ingenius than those people, who seem to have quite a bit of problems with their... ok, now the metaphor is just getting too political.
Thanks for the read !
__________________
GOD HELP ME!
IT'S THE SOUND THAT MAKES ME PUNCH INFANTS! (but not ms. vodka's)
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08-15-2005, 09:47 PM
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#6
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Addict
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: On my ass, in my chair, online.
Gender: Male
Posts: 155
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It reads well, and looks good. I think you should base a song of it though. It kinda sounds like one.
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