Starting Over - Writers Forum

Psycho6058 · 08-15-2005, 05:00 PM

God told Noah: “Build an ark
make it quick, it’s getting dark
rain clouds will be rolling in
I’m going to wash away man’s sin”.

“Get two of every critter, then
I’ll flood the Earth and start again.”
He built the ark as he was told,
and made it strong so it would hold.

Then, when Noah’s task was done
he waited for the rains to come.
For forty days the rain came down
‘til every man and critter drowned

except all those that were paired
on Noah’s ark, their life was spared.
They would be the creatures who
would start God’s earthly plan anew.

Jehuty · 08-15-2005, 05:02 PM

Wow, that was really awesome. I loved it all! Great work once again.

Achilles · 08-15-2005, 05:07 PM

Personally, I thought the voice was a little light for the topic. It's okay if you want a children's type poem, but I feel the matter is more serious and needs a heavier voice. What type of emotion were you trying to convey?

Besides that, I thought it was great. Good rhyming, nice rhythm. I really did enjoy it. As a note, I think arc=ark.

Psycho6058 · 08-16-2005, 05:34 AM

Thank you juhuty and achilles, actually, I wrote this for my granddaughter, so I didn't want it to complicated.

mammamaia · 08-16-2005, 10:57 AM

nice piece, for a children's poem...

that last stanza is awkward to read though... seems to blow the meter, due to where the emphasis is, on the words, in that order...

how 'bout:

except all those that were paired
on Noah’s ark...their life was spared.
They would be the creatures who
would start God’s earthly plan anew.

...or something like it... getting the em-PHA-sis on the right syl-LA-bles helps, imo...

...btw, did you see how there's now a controversy over whether the dinosaurs were all on the ark?... would have to have been bigger than the x number of cubits specified in the bible, in that case, doncha think?

hugs, m

Psycho6058 · 08-16-2005, 12:08 PM

Maia, I like that suggestion, I'll change it that way. Also, I thought the dinosaurs were extinct pre-Noah, so it wouldn't be a consideration, if not, I suppose Noah could have simply gathered dinosaur eggs....Yes?

mammamaia · 08-16-2005, 12:32 PM

well, the controversy seems to center on the attempt to reconcile scientific fact with biblical belief... i didn't follow all the convolutions of logic on either side, so can't tell you how or why the possibility has been proposed...

i'm glad my suggestion helped the poem... even if it doesn't mention the dinosaurs...