Think Outside the Box. - Writers Forum

Jehuty · 08-15-2005, 05:00 PM

To be good you must be unique
Do it all with a different technique
It's to not do what you're told to
Dig deep into your mind and finally break through

Swim through the ocean of thoughts and ideas
To finally find the one you need
The magic formula to succeed
Rise for the top you want to exceed

But to find that feeling is not that easy
People tend to look too far
While the answer is right in front of them
The answer for a ride on the back of a star

A ride that you will never forget
Hand in hand with a new personality you just met
Don't let go of the star just yet
Together you will sing a beautiful duet

Drop into the forest and take a walk
Cherish the feelings don't look at the clock
Life as we know it will be timeless
Think outside the box.

~Jehuty.

Comments please. Thanks a lot.

103_smalls · 08-15-2005, 07:46 PM

So true is this poem, so so true!

I found tha tit's easiest to get this poem when it's rapped instead of simply spoken... and I'm white, and yet not anywhere near Eminem's caliber, so it didn't sound too good when I rapped it... but anyways, it was good, lol.

Jehuty · 08-16-2005, 03:55 AM

Thank you. I had hoped for more replies...but I guess not.

Sparx · 08-16-2005, 09:27 AM

My teacher tells me to "think outside the box" everday and its so boring. Yet you have showed me this message beautifully yet with simple words in this great poem. Nice message and you have some nice lines in this poem. I really liked: "Swim through the ocean of thoughts and ideas" Nice work.

Jehuty · 08-16-2005, 09:31 AM

A ride that you will never forget
Hand in hand with a new personality you just met

I personally love this part.

What, is it wrong to say that about your own poem?

Saturnal · 08-16-2005, 11:07 AM

I like this subject matter because it's important for poets more than most writers. And a big part of that means staying away from cliches such as "think outside the box" or "hand-in-hand" or "rise for the top". So that's one thing I'd consider when writing about being unique.

Also, some of the imagery seems to be forced and not related to anything else in the poem really. This would be like "swim through the ocean of thoughts and ideas" and "drop into the forest and take a walk". I just don't see much relationship between these images. I see the relationship between rising to the top and singing a duet with a star, but not between the forest and the ocean. I think images are better when they're all related because then it doesn't seem like you're forcing imagery into the piece.

The one other thing I guess that threw me off a bit was the rhyming scheme. Like the first stanza has lines 1 and 2 rhyming then 3 and 4 rhyming. The next stanza has lines 2,3 and 4 rhyming. The next has 2 and 4 rhyming. The next has all the lines rhyming. etc. That just made the reading less smooth I think, which is sort of necessary for a rhyming type poem. It wouldn't matter if there were no rhymes though.

Jehuty · 08-16-2005, 11:48 AM

Alright, good. Thanks for the criticism! Ill try and work on that