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Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc.

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Old 08-15-2005, 04:34 PM   #1
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(no title just yet)

I've got a few titles in mind... but none seem to fit... if anybody has any ideas, that would be wonderful!

The dark night
when we met
foreshadowed
things to come.
For, as the sun
rises each day
it will
always descend;
Trapping the world
in heartbroken oblivion.
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IT'S THE SOUND THAT MAKES ME PUNCH INFANTS! (but not ms. vodka's)
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Old 08-15-2005, 05:19 PM   #2
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Hmmmm... a title... *scratches head*. I'll keep thinkin' for ya, Smalls.

I like where you're going with this. There are a couple of places that throw me off a bit, but, as usual, it's just personal preference. Which means that you're free to ignore me, lol.

The first line. 'The dark night'... I might change that for something that indicates the feel of the night in question instead of its appearance, since all nights are dark and it doesn't give it the same feeling as the rest of your poem... something like


When I first saw you
the night sky crept in
devouring light's last trace
foreshadowing
things to come.

I've got a screaming headache, so bear with me if that's not quite right, but maybe it'll help regardless.

The only other thing was 'heartbroken'. I think 'aching' works better there, mostly just because 'heartbroken' seems to be a bit of a leap from the rest of your lines, whereas aching seems to fit perfectly. Or even ravaged or despondent or... you pick .

That's my two cents. I enjoyed your work, like always, and think that I'll come back and read it again when my head isn't splitting in two.

Still trying to think of a title for you...
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Old 08-15-2005, 05:30 PM   #3
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October Song
Maybe it's just me, but I'm not sure what you're trying to say with this piece. I think it needs to be expanded on some.
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Old 08-15-2005, 07:39 PM   #4
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Nola- I feel like you read my mind as I read this over again... those places where you had suggestions are the same places that I was pondering upon changing . Thanks for the read and help!

October- Heehee, I feel kind of weird addressing you as a month... but still kind of cool anyway, it's basically like the sun comes up and your happy with the relationship that started during a dark time, but then that person ends up being nothing but a fucking slut-whore so the sun goes down (you break up) and you're world is left in oblivion... *deep breath* Thanks for the read, and excuse to further express myself heehee
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Old 08-15-2005, 07:45 PM   #5
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When I first saw you
the night sky crept in
devouring light's last trace
foreshadowing
things to come.
For, as the sun
rises each day
it will
always descend;
Trapping the world
in aching oblivion.

Hope you dont' mind that I quoted you exactly, Nola, but your suggestions were real real good!
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IT'S THE SOUND THAT MAKES ME PUNCH INFANTS! (but not ms. vodka's)
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Old 08-15-2005, 08:06 PM   #6
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Mind? Why would I mind? I'm flattered, silly.

Glad I could help.
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Old 08-15-2005, 10:16 PM   #7
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cool, that makes me happy! Thank you for the help!
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Old 08-15-2005, 10:49 PM   #8
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I like it. or a title, how about "Damned to hell for love"?
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