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| Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc. |
08-15-2005, 01:24 PM
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#1
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Best Seller
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: East London
Posts: 629
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Simply Love me (light adult content)
Simply Love me
I do not wish for your lips
supple and smooth
like the belly of an Asian dancer,
to dance passionately to my mouth
I do not wish for your body
golden and luminous
like a diamond hidden in deep sea,
to show me your most secret passages
I do not wish for your virginity
natural and untouched
like a sacred rose within a church,
to be stolen by my devious lust
I only wish for you
to love me
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"KNIVES AND RHYMES"
"poetry or the streets."
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08-15-2005, 01:29 PM
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#2
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Southern California
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,607
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Very nice Sparx, I like it. ( I hope she does)
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All that is necessary for the forces of evil to win the world is for enough good men to do nothing...Edmund Burke
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08-15-2005, 01:31 PM
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#3
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Profound Writer
Join Date: May 2005
Location: At my desk, with my pen
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,035
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I see your ploy here... give this to some girl so that she lets you in her pants!!!  only playin'. Good poem, my man, good poem!
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GOD HELP ME!
IT'S THE SOUND THAT MAKES ME PUNCH INFANTS! (but not ms. vodka's)
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08-15-2005, 01:47 PM
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#4
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Best Seller
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: East London
Posts: 629
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Thanks for the reply, Psycho6058. I think she would like 103_smalls as pleasing as that would be, i could never do that  Thanks for the reply.
__________________
"KNIVES AND RHYMES"
"poetry or the streets."
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08-15-2005, 02:07 PM
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#5
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Forum Hottie
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Florida
Gender: Female
Posts: 7,522
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I am definately partial to love poems and this one is no exception. You have some absolutely gorgeous lines in this poem. Look forward to reading more.
Nae ;0)
__________________
Years of practice only to find, practice is for amateurs. Live life without a script...
Renae L. Soler
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08-15-2005, 02:59 PM
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#6
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WF Supporter!
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Vancouver - Canada
Posts: 8,904
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It's a dreamy poem although I wonder about the 'her' in the second stanza. To me, it seemed to remove the personal connection as if 'her' wasn't part of the 'your'. Perhaps using - your -or leaving the indication out completely like you did in stanza one.
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08-15-2005, 03:12 PM
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#7
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Best Seller
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: East London
Posts: 629
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Thanks for the advice nae411. Penelope, yeah i see what you mean, now that i inspect more closely. I'll change right away, thanks for the feedback.
__________________
"KNIVES AND RHYMES"
"poetry or the streets."
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08-15-2005, 03:57 PM
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#8
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Writer
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 40
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very nice i love it!
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08-15-2005, 04:33 PM
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#9
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Scribe
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Halloweentown
Posts: 65
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Great language use in this one, with the similes in the beginning. I'm not all that crazy about the title. It doesn't seem to do justice to such a well-written poem.
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08-15-2005, 04:36 PM
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#10
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Missouri
Gender: Female
Posts: 338
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This one made me sigh, Sparx. So romantic...
Really beautiful.
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If my answers frighten you, then you should cease asking scary questions.
www.onlynola.com
That's the way, uh-huh uh-huh, I like it, uh-huh uh-huh...
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08-15-2005, 08:17 PM
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#11
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pretty sparx...
the only thing i see with this is this:
Quote:
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to dance passionately in my mouth
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i was thinkin... what are you doing with this girl's lips in your mouth? maybe it would read better if it was dance passionately to my mouth?
otherwise, so pretty.
vodka |
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08-15-2005, 09:56 PM
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#12
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Addict
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: On my ass, in my chair, online.
Gender: Male
Posts: 155
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I agree with ms. vodka. Was this meant for any particular person? Because I think it would be really cool if you gave it to someone on one of those flower card things attached to boquets(sp?).
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08-16-2005, 06:42 AM
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#13
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Best Seller
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: East London
Posts: 629
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Thanks for the replies everyone. I appreciate them a lot. Ms Vodka I see what your saying, it should be dance passionately to my mouth. I must have made another little error, I’ll change that. Thanks for pointing out. Pardot Kynes i wrote this for my cousin who was recently engaged with an old girlfriend. I wrote this poem for him as a gift that he could read to his fiancée. I just wanted to post it to get some corrections before I send it to him.
Again, thank you for the replies everyone.
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"KNIVES AND RHYMES"
"poetry or the streets."
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08-16-2005, 08:39 AM
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#14
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Writer
Join Date: May 2005
Location: The back of a star
Posts: 48
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That was great, I really enjoy your style of writing. I sure hope to read more of your stuff, again, I really love your writing.
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Would you take a trip with me, on the back of a star?
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08-16-2005, 09:21 AM
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#15
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Best Seller
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: East London
Posts: 629
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Thank you Jehuty. I aim to please. Thanks for the good comments.
__________________
"KNIVES AND RHYMES"
"poetry or the streets."
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