on endday [for nick] - Writers Forum

mammamaia · 08-15-2005, 08:35 AM

On Endday…

where will the souls go?

where the spirits by the billions wend
when their bodies meet a sudden end?
when Endday stops the evil ways
of humankind’s most cruel days,
when Fourth World into Fifth World turns,
as mountains fall and man’s world burns—
where will the souls go?

will our spirits by the billions blend
or, minus bodies, begin to mend?
what will become of all that force
which humankind thinks is the source
of all its thoughts and words and deeds
while, within such, much evil breeds—
where will they all go?

how will spirits by the billions spend
undying energy no longer penned?
when Endday frees them suddenly
from humankind’s reality
and leaves them floating here and there
too few left, with which to pair—
where will they all go?

tell me if you know—
when Endday’s trumpets blow
where will our souls all go?

if what we’ve made is our heaven and hell
and without it we end— it’s just as well.

Psycho6058 · 08-15-2005, 01:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mammamaia

with too few then with which to pair—

This line (to me) is both awkward to read and confusing. the rest of the poem is utterly fantastic, flows well and sets and excellent image.

mammamaia · 08-15-2005, 01:41 PM

...good catch, wayne... thanks!... a comma would have made a difference, don't know how i could have missed that... but i could also change it to:

and leaves them floating here and there
too few left, with which to pair—

...here it is with the missing comma:

and leaves them floating here and there
with too few then, with which to pair—

...which do you think works better?

Psycho6058 · 08-15-2005, 03:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mammamaia

and leaves them floating here and there
too few left, with which to pair—

I think this version reads better.

mammamaia · 08-16-2005, 10:30 AM

that was my pick, too... i've changed it not only here, but in my files and on my website... thanks muchly for that good catch and your sterling advice, wayne-san... i owe ya one...

hugs, m

08-16-2005, 11:22 AM

i like this maia, as it made me think.

i also enjoyed the way the stanzas seem to build up speed toward there end, with a stop, like putting on the brakes, ultimately.

a nice read, as usual.

vodka

mammamaia · 08-16-2005, 11:29 AM

hey, ms v!... i'm soooo glad you picked up on the speed thing... it always feels that way to me, but didn't know it would to others... and yeah, the end IS the end, isn't it?... thanks much for the feedback and kind words... sorry 'bout making you think, though!

hugs, m

Psycho6058 · 08-16-2005, 11:57 AM

Maia, with all the helpful hints you've given me, You don't owe me one, I'm still trying to pay you back. (grin)