dannyboy

Sitting beside his mother
at the card table
surrounded by Titans
The child Zeus
matched his mother’s voice
and cried out to his father
‘Come on Cronus, hurry up!’

‘Was that Zeus?’ Cronus asked
storming into the room.
Tears sprang to the little God’s eyes
as he watched Cronus slip out his belt
and move toward him.

‘Go easy on him Cronus,’ exclaimed Prometheus.
‘This time Zeus,’ said Cronus menacingly,
‘but not so next, know your place
and mock me at your peril!’

The cards dealt,
Cronus sat down at the table,
Belt coiled before him - forgetting all about
the son who had fled -
the Titans resumed their card game.

Zeus sat under his purple bed quilt,
plotted fearfully;
his brothers and sisters
had been devoured by father’s anger -
shadow Gods playing quietly in corners
‘But not me!’ Zeus proclaimed
to the springs of his bed.


The card game went on through the day.
Zeus snuck outside,
found the can of petrol -
that evening while Cronus slept
Zeus found the playing cards,
poured petrol on them
and set them alight.
The woof of blue flame
satisfying the anger in his heart.

‘Some time soon that will be you,’
Zeus said as he pointed
to the curling cards
imagining Cronus at his mercy.

Penelope

heh! I so like this. What's in the cards for sure.

__________________
"Trees cause more pollution than automobiles do." Ronald Reagan ~ 1981

Poetry Editor @ Sacred Twilight

mswietek

This isn't bad. Its an interesting little story, but I don't think the phrasing and description is up to your usual high standards.

Sitting beside his mother
at the card table
surrounded by Titans
The child Zeus
matched his mother’s voice
and cried out to his father
‘Come on Cronus, hurry up!’
// Is there a need for the mother to be here at all? I am not on top of all of my mythology and am not sure if there is some mythological reason for her prescence.

‘Was that Zeus?’ Cronus asked
storming into the room. // Cliche
Tears sprang to the little God’s eyes // Tears sprang is a cliche
as he watched Cronus slip out his belt
and move toward him.

‘Go easy on him Cronus,’ exclaimed Prometheus. // I don't care for exclaimed here. Perhaps you can make some oblique reference to Promethius and fire here? Especially given how Zeus burns the cards. Perhaps the can of petrol belongs to Promethius?
‘This time Zeus,’ said Cronus menacingly,
‘but not so next, know your place
and mock me at your peril!’ // 'know your place' and 'at your peril' also sounds too familiar. Drop 'menacingly' and instead make Cronus' words menacing. Perhaps Cronus himself can reference Zeus' brothers and sisters.

The cards dealt,
Cronus sat down at the table, // Don't need 'down' here.
Belt coiled before him - forgetting all about
the son who had fled -
the Titans resumed their card game. // Don't need 'card' here.

Zeus sat under his purple bed quilt,
plotted fearfully; // Perhaps 'Zeus plotted fearfully under his purple bed quilt'.
his brothers and sisters
had been devoured by father’s anger -
shadow Gods playing quietly in corners
‘But not me!’ Zeus proclaimed
to the springs of his bed.


The card game went on through the day.
Zeus snuck outside,
found the can of petrol -
that evening while Cronus slept
Zeus found the playing cards,
poured petrol on them
and set them alight.
The woof of blue flame
satisfying the anger in his heart.

‘Some time soon that will be you,’
Zeus said as he pointed
to the curling cards
imagining Cronus at his mercy.
// Nice strong ending.

__________________
"Don't imagine that the art of poetry is any simpler than the art of music, or that you can please the expert before you have spent at least as much effort on the art of verse as an average piano teacher spends on the art of music." - Ezra Pound

Saturnal

I love myth, so I like this. But I think putting Prometheus in there with the mother, without saying her name (Rhea) makes it confusing. Like people might think Prometheus is the mother. That's all I'd have to suggest that mswietek didn't already cover.

__________________
him from the city,
so him gotta be witty

mswietek

I'll second Saturnal comment about Promethius = mother for those unfamiliar with myth.

Michael

__________________
"Don't imagine that the art of poetry is any simpler than the art of music, or that you can please the expert before you have spent at least as much effort on the art of verse as an average piano teacher spends on the art of music." - Ezra Pound

dannyboy

Ta guys, I'll rework this and get back to you all. I'm struggling with this one (as you spotted with the phrasing Michael) because I want to weave a true story (about a father screaming at a kid who innocently copies his mum) with the Titans/Zeus thing.

Wondering about including Rhea's name and will - Prometheus is to connect to fire but also liked the idea of here is this guys who sticks up for little Zeus who later cops the worst punishment imaginable from him.