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Go Back   Writers Forum - WritingForums.com > Creativity > Poetry
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Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc.

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Old 08-14-2005, 10:15 PM   #1
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Posts: 6
thesomberokid
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Rows of houses, endless innocence

Strange innocent nights looking erverywhere
For somewhere worthwhile to be
Beautiful Alive
The look in your eyes
From across an ancient suburb park
I want you to look at me again as though you’ve never seen me before
Never seen the world before
Retaining innocence, in your amazement
At how green the grass
How soft the skin
How cruel her thoughts
In endless summer nights

If we cant remember
How new the world is
Well fill our brains to fill our hearts
With poison, toxic and warm
And if I hate you in the morning
Or if I cant remember
That I don’t deserve to be this, this awkward mass of flesh and blood
Then ill forget If I can, forget that look in your eyes and move on
And live everyday like ive lived 1000 times before

But id rather be here, in your room feeling like I was just born
That id just been born under your sheets
Id never felt your lips before
And your shape is different in the dark
As you walk from the door into bed
The image freezes, and echoes,
Through all those Summer nights
Time and space collide
By your bedside
Like an ancient doctor priest, making one last prayer for life and truth and willingness
Before death
I love you now
If I wake up a different person
I love you now
If I cant ever see this again
I love you now
If ive made mistakes
I love you now
If the world collapses
And our human efforts and attempts are forgotten
The seven wonders of the world are spacedust
Back to the molecules from which they came screaming into war

And if the sun cant right itself, and we have to live in the dark
Ill think of my nights with you
And your sillouhette
And learn to live without light

If the world is consumed with disease
Till its nothing but a grey barren rock
Devoid of life crawling through its vains
Then maybe that spark in your eyes I thought I saw
Can keep my heart beating

And we can live again
We can live again

I cant remember how many times ive looked into eyes
And seen the glimmer of hope and the reflection of everything, hope
That maybe, my own eyes will return an answer
That will make things seem more worthwhile
I don’t know if they do, but ill look into yours to try to help

And someday maybe I can do the same to the world
And look into its ancient, civil eyes, civilized lies
Continents, industry, the lost immigrants crushed under the bow of the ships
And lovers lost in the streets
Search for eachother into the night
Soldiers with no one to write home to because of the bomb

If they gas the world
If we cannot breath
Ill put my ear up to your heart
And pray for life

Pray for life
Pray for life
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The story in the soil
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Old 08-15-2005, 01:58 AM   #2
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Join Date: Feb 2005
Posts: 14
clswriter
The imagerie is good. I can see alot of things in this poem. I would suggest looking over it once more for editing purposes I noticed some of your words were not punctuated correctly.

Well fill our brains to fill our hearts This for instance.
I think it may be too long.
I also felt that it comes off sounding very desperate. I would suggest maybe shortening it so it doesn't go on so long.

Good work.
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