Welcome to Writing Forums, one of the fastest growing writing communties on the web.
You are currently viewing our boards as a guest which gives you limited access to view most discussions, articles and photo galleries. By joining our free community you will
be able to talk with other writers, get feedback on your work to improve your writing skills, discuss ideas, share tips & tricks, network and make friends!
Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free so please, join our community today!
If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, please contact support.
| Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc. |
08-14-2005, 05:50 PM
|
#1
|
|
Profound Writer
Join Date: May 2005
Location: At my desk, with my pen
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,035
|
My Pen
It's a dagger;
the blade
forged of ink
I'll use it
to cut my wrist
and spill crimson life,
my soul fitting
into words;
From my heart
to yours
Take my blood
and use it
Experience
raw emotion
and relate
My pen is a dagger
My blood
stains the blade
__________________
GOD HELP ME!
IT'S THE SOUND THAT MAKES ME PUNCH INFANTS! (but not ms. vodka's)
|
|
|
|
08-14-2005, 05:58 PM
|
#2
|
|
Best Seller
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Ohio
Gender: Male
Posts: 561
|
Smalls-
Hell yeah, that's what I'm talking about. Good write man, you are getting good.
|
|
|
|
|
08-14-2005, 06:26 PM
|
#3
|
|
Ink Slinger
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Maryland
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,113
|
I have some sort of pet peeve about angst...I can't stand it. That will give you a hint that this wasn't my favorite. However, some of the language was awesome.
Quote:
Experience
raw emotion
and relate
|
Nice.
Quote:
my soul fitting
into words;
|
Liked that too.
Though not really my style, I'd say you pulled it off wonderfully.
__________________
The Palace Flophouse
When Newton closed his eyes beneath a tree
and took the apple from the serpent, he
conceived the urge of humanity, plea, plea,
procreant desire and tendency.
|
|
|
|
|
08-14-2005, 06:29 PM
|
#4
|
|
Profound Writer
Join Date: May 2005
Location: At my desk, with my pen
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,035
|
Burnz-  Thank you much, my man!
Achilles:  , I'm glad to hear that you hated to like it... or liked to hate it... whichever fits.
__________________
GOD HELP ME!
IT'S THE SOUND THAT MAKES ME PUNCH INFANTS! (but not ms. vodka's)
|
|
|
|
|
08-14-2005, 07:33 PM
|
#5
|
|
Writer
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Michigan
Posts: 36
|
hmmm
liked it i liked it yes
yes the crimson life part very good
but i am challengng you to somehting....
take this poem and make it rhyme.....
for i have noticed that you dont seem to rhyme ever!
well once maybe but...
and if you accept u can challenge me to somehting
__________________
a writers soul will never die
it will live forever through his words
|
|
|
|
|
08-14-2005, 07:36 PM
|
#6
|
|
Profound Writer
Join Date: May 2005
Location: At my desk, with my pen
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,035
|
Re: hmmm
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by Puppeteer
liked it i liked it yes
yes the crimson life part very good
but i am challengng you to somehting....
take this poem and make it rhyme.....
for i have noticed that you dont seem to rhyme ever!
well once maybe but...
and if you accept u can challenge me to somehting
|
ha ha, sorry, I'm more of a free verse kind of guy... i can write a poem rhyming... just not this one... and as for your challenge, stand on your head naked while julie punches you in the stomach and megan bites your nose
__________________
GOD HELP ME!
IT'S THE SOUND THAT MAKES ME PUNCH INFANTS! (but not ms. vodka's)
|
|
|
|
|
08-14-2005, 07:39 PM
|
#7
|
|
Writer
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Michigan
Posts: 36
|
grrr.... well i'll have you know thats already happened.....
__________________
a writers soul will never die
it will live forever through his words
|
|
|
|
|
08-14-2005, 08:05 PM
|
#8
|
|
Profound Writer
Join Date: May 2005
Location: At my desk, with my pen
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,035
|
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by Puppeteer
grrr.... well i'll have you know thats already happened.....
|
crazy little man
anyways, does anybody else have anything??
__________________
GOD HELP ME!
IT'S THE SOUND THAT MAKES ME PUNCH INFANTS! (but not ms. vodka's)
|
|
|
|
|
08-15-2005, 12:31 PM
|
#9
|
|
Banned
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Italy
Posts: 6,052
|
well, yes, this was angst
but it wasn't as badly angsty as I'm sure it could have been
you had some really original thoughts and ideas in there, like
"My pen is a dagger
My blood
stains the blade"
good job, smalls. I have to agree with everyone who's said so, both on this poem and others, that you are definitely improving. I really like your poetry.
|
|
|
|
|
08-15-2005, 01:18 PM
|
#10
|
|
Best Seller
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: East London
Posts: 629
|
Yeah it was angst but it was written in such a great way that i overshadows that. This is a really nice piece 103 smalls. It flows well and i loved the last stanza. Nice work.
__________________
"KNIVES AND RHYMES"
"poetry or the streets."
|
|
|
|
|
08-15-2005, 01:27 PM
|
#11
|
|
|
YAY FOR ANGST!!!!
nicely done again, smalls.
good job at not making this cliche.
but i have one suggestion:
I would change this
Quote:
My pen is a dagger
My blood
stains the blade
|
to this:
My penis a dagger,
my blood
stains the blade.
sorry! i couldn't help it!!!
at least i amuse myself...
vodka |
|
|
|
|
08-15-2005, 01:27 PM
|
#12
|
|
Ink Slinger
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Southern California
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,607
|
Smalls, I like it as is, but here is a submission for your friend puppeteer's challange:
It’s a dagger (I think)
The blade forged in ink
And just for a twist
Use to cut my wrist
And watch as I spill
Crimson life (if you will)
My soul fitting into words
A gift from my heart
Take my blood for a start
Raw emotions relate
To my anguished state
My pen is a dagger
My blood stains the pen.
(BTW puppeteer it's "something" not "somehting")
__________________
All that is necessary for the forces of evil to win the world is for enough good men to do nothing...Edmund Burke
|
|
|
|
|
08-15-2005, 01:48 PM
|
#13
|
|
Profound Writer
Join Date: May 2005
Location: At my desk, with my pen
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,035
|
Rico- Thank you for commenting... I'm glad that you're liking my stuff, I'm glad to hear that I'm improving!
Sparx- Thank you very much for reading and commenting, Sparx my man!
Vodka- You silly little woman. I was thinking "no! that was my favorite part!" then I was thinking "OOOH I GET IT" then I laughed for a real long time thanks for commenting!
Psycho- Git 'em Psycho! thank you for reading, and conquering Nick's challenge
everybody- Angst means depressed or something like that right? I'm not sure if I really meant it to be that way... the poem was supposed to be like, spilling your guts onto paper, and giving away a little piece of your soul in the form of a poem... ok, the way I wrote it I can see a bit of angst, with the slitting the wrists part... but where else is there angst in it??
__________________
GOD HELP ME!
IT'S THE SOUND THAT MAKES ME PUNCH INFANTS! (but not ms. vodka's)
|
|
|
|
|
08-15-2005, 04:33 PM
|
#14
|
|
Prolific Writer
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Missouri
Gender: Female
Posts: 338
|
I'm forced to be one with the crowd here and agree that this
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by Smalls
My pen is a dagger
My blood
stains the blade
|
is my favorite part. I think that is absolutely perfect.
Excellent job, Smalls. *claps and claps some more*
__________________
If my answers frighten you, then you should cease asking scary questions.
www.onlynola.com
That's the way, uh-huh uh-huh, I like it, uh-huh uh-huh...
|
|
|
|
|
08-15-2005, 06:50 PM
|
#15
|
|
Profound Writer
Join Date: May 2005
Location: At my desk, with my pen
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,035
|
Yay, an ovation!!! lol. Thank you Nola... but instead of clapping, can I just have a cookie??
__________________
GOD HELP ME!
IT'S THE SOUND THAT MAKES ME PUNCH INFANTS! (but not ms. vodka's)
|
|
|
|
|
Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
|
|
|
Posting Rules
|
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
HTML code is Off
|
|
|
All times are GMT -5. The time now is 05:30 AM. Powered by vBulletin, Copyright ©2000-2007, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
LinkBacks Enabled by vBSEO 3.1.0
|
|
Newsletter |
 |
|
Subscribe to Majestic
the official newsletter of Writing Forums and lit.org
|
|
Link to Us: 
|
|
