Living Corpse - Writers Forum

Sparx · 08-14-2005, 11:28 AM

Living Corpse

Poverty sleeps in
the backyard of
my life.
It will never awaken
and leave,
pain grows like
weeds
consuming the
time I have
despite my pride
that slowly lets go
of my shattered soul,
I still remain
I still
live

Psycho6058 · 08-14-2005, 11:50 AM

I love this one sparx, just two suggestions. I think "wake" should be "awaken" to me that sounds better (and I think is proper form). also, I was wondering why you capitalized "Pride"?

Sparx · 08-14-2005, 11:54 AM

Thanks for the reply. Your right, wake should be awaken. Thanks for pointing that out. I never meant to capatalize pride, must have been a mistake. Thanks for the reply.

103_smalls · 08-14-2005, 12:23 PM

dear god, sparx, you certainly have impressed me! i like it lots

Sparx · 08-14-2005, 02:50 PM

Thanks for the reply, 103 smalls. Glad you liked it.

Puppeteer · 08-14-2005, 03:07 PM

great choice of words to express that feeling. i really like it

mammamaia · 08-15-2005, 08:38 AM

good stuff, sparx!... sad subject, but well-done...

hugs, maia

mswietek · 08-15-2005, 09:28 AM

I like this poem quite a bit. I especially like the idea of pain as weeds. Perhaps you are the "flower" or "plant" striving to grow among them. I think you could try weaving this a bit more throughout your poem to make it even stronger than it already is.

I'll throw some suggestions at you in the lines below.

Poverty sleeps in // instead of sleeps how about roots?
the backyard of
my life.
It will never awaken
and leave,
pain grows like
weeds
consuming the
time I have
despite my pride
that slowly lets go
of my shattered soul, // How about 'withered' instead of 'shattered'.
I still remain
I still
live // instead of 'live' how about 'grow'?

Michael

mammamaia · 08-15-2005, 09:45 AM

if you can forgive a critique of your critique, michael, i think the suggested changes would change too much, what it seems the writer had in mind...

here's what i mean:

'sleeps' goes with 'awaken'

'shattered' is much more of a total destruction than mere 'withered'

and 'live' is apparently meant as an alternative to 'died'... not to lack of growth...

imo, those changes would weaken the emotional impact of the poem, not strengthen it... can you forgive me for not agreeing with you?... pretty please?

hugs, maia

Sparx · 08-15-2005, 09:57 AM

Thanks for replies mswietek and mammamaia. Mswietek, while your suggestions are good i must agree with mammamaia. It would really change the entire form and emotinal impact the poem is meant to have. However, i thank you for the suggestions and i'm glad you liked it.

mswietek · 08-15-2005, 10:03 AM

Maia,

Of course I can forgive you (although now I will have to email you another bug poem

). Critiquing poetry can be as subjective a process as a writing poetry.

Sparx,

My reason for suggesting the changes is that I felt the "pain like weeds" line was the most arresting image in the poem and thought the poem might benefit from expanding on it.

No biggie,

Michael

**Penelope** · 08-15-2005, 10:04 AM

Well this really rocks along and is a fine read. It feels very spontaneous which is a good thing.

mammamaia · 08-15-2005, 10:12 AM

oh, NO!... not another BUG poem!!!... aaaaaggghhh!

[private joke, folks]

Rico · 08-15-2005, 12:43 PM

I really enjoyed reading this. The images this paints are quite vivid and lend themselves to further imaginings (and my god, i'm sorry for rambling, I'm tired and should sleep).

"I still remain
I still
live"

I think that's by far the strongest part of the poem.

Sparx · 08-15-2005, 01:21 PM

Thank you for the reply, rico, penelope. I really do appreciate it. Mswietek, i totally agree with you its just by doing your changes it would mold into a diffrent poem(even if was better). Again, thanks for the criticism.