Desert Vistas - Writers Forum

Psycho6058 · 08-14-2005, 11:09 AM

When the sand stops blowing
and the wind is gone
and the dark of night
finally turns to dawn
the desert wears
a different face,
it becomes majestic
and full of grace.

The view can take
your breath away
as the dawn
turns into day
Saguaros tower
up to the sky
stretching their arms
ever so high.

The rocks, from wind
and time have worn
natures’ sculptures
have been formed;
and distant mountains
look as tall
as ancient China’s
timeless wall.

Just look around
and you can tell
God has used
His pallet well;
purple, lavender
and blue,
every shade and
every hue.

The beauty of the desert
can be subtle, this is true,
"the eye of the beholder"
may belong to me or you
compare to what we build
and tell me, if you can,
has anything this beautiful
come from the hand of man?

Sparx · 08-14-2005, 11:23 AM

Beautiful imagery. Every stanza is filled with such great imagery. I would really want to see this desert, this amazing piece of god's art. Nice poem with good rhyming. However i do have a couple of complaints.

"When the wind stops blowing
and the sand is gone
and the dark of night"

I think you should lose the line in the 3rd line. It kind of diminishes the flow.

Psycho6058 · 08-14-2005, 11:32 AM

thanks sparx, only problem is, 3rd line ties into 4th.

103_smalls · 08-14-2005, 12:35 PM

great poem, psycho! i'm never dissapointed by your poetry, always great imagery, always leaves me happier than before i read it.

Psycho6058 · 08-14-2005, 04:19 PM

Thank you much, smalls

mammamaia · 08-15-2005, 08:57 AM

great stuff, wayne!... i spent some gloriously happy years in the desert and know all of this beautifully word-painted imagery from having been awed by it 'in the flesh'...

i think the first stanza is fine as is, other than not being able to get the 'sand is gone' thing, since it's never 'gone' in the desert...

i love the way you've structured this... a fine departure from your usual long lines... but i wish you would not have made the last part so blocky both in look and sound... here's what i'd suggest to bring it back to being more complimentary to the rest:

The beauty of the desert
is subtle, it's true,
the beholder
may be me or you...
compared to what we've built,
tell me, if you can,
has anything this lovely
ever come from man?

...3rd and 4th lines are a bit of a puzzle, since they say the 'eye' is 'me or you' and not 'the beholder'... and 5th line was confusingly worded with 'compare' and no subject... so i sorta 'fixed' those... hope you'll forgive me taking such liberties...

...'flaws' notwithstanding, it's still a very good piece and i thank you for bringing one of my two favorite parts of the planet back to life for me...

love and hugs, maia

Psycho6058 · 08-15-2005, 10:03 AM

Thanks Maia...The "sand is gone" reference was intended to refer to the sand that was blowing around in the wind, not the sand on the ground. I agree about the "blocky look" of the last stanza, but I was trying to rephrase "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder" since a lot of people (like my dad) hate everything about the desert. Do you think it would help if I put quotes around "the eye of the beholder" to indicate that's what I am showing?

mammamaia · 08-15-2005, 10:11 AM

even with quotes around it, it still can't connect sensibly to the next line, which is, 'may be you or may be me' because the 'eye' can't be you or me... see?

i figured that's what you meant by the sand is gone bit, but it doesn't say that... and the reader's not in your head... how 'bout something like:

When the wind stops blowing
sand's no longer gale-borne
and the dark of night
finally turns to morn

Psycho6058 · 08-15-2005, 10:41 AM

I think I took care of both of those problems with these revisions. Better?

mammamaia · 08-15-2005, 10:59 AM

good solutions!

Psycho6058 · 08-15-2005, 01:01 PM

Good, I can put this one to bed.