Writers Forum - WritingForums.com Home Rules FAQ Members Groups Calendar Gallery Search
» Sign Up «

Welcome to Writing Forums, one of the fastest growing writing communties on the web.

You are currently viewing our boards as a guest which gives you limited access to view most discussions, articles and photo galleries. By joining our free community you will be able to talk with other writers, get feedback on your work to improve your writing skills, discuss ideas, share tips & tricks, network and make friends!

Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free so please, join our community today!

If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, please contact support.
  Search Forums
Lit.Org - Bootcamp for writers. Post your work and other writers review it, it's that easy.

Advanced Search



Go Back   Writers Forum - WritingForums.com > Creativity > Poetry
Register FAQ Members List Calendar Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc.

Reply
 
Thread Tools
Old 08-14-2005, 08:21 AM   #1
WF Supporter!
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Vancouver - Canada
Posts: 8,904
Penelope is an unknown quantity at this point
Last Hurrah

We will not be eaten but we will eat!
Replete with turned tables of old fables
as silver tongued swains swoon into stables
slay makers and body breakers compete.

Sleep will lay down with the lamb skin chamois.
Doe eyes grow heavy under leaded lids
and they're mapped out into laid about grids
as rising damp dew brings cool and clammy.

Soldiers can't stay where their life was waylaid.
Far too long a stretch for each gassed out wretch
for they are gone beyond pick up and fetch
so a prayer is played for the price they paid.

No more to hear taps after revelry.
There's no curtain calls upon Calvary.

[an:c0d52e3bd6]first line courtesy of k3ng from the poem challenge in writing challenges http://www.writingforums.com/viewtopic.php?t=21329[/an:c0d52e3bd6]
__________________
"Trees cause more pollution than automobiles do." Ronald Reagan ~ 1981

Poetry Editor @ Sacred Twilight
Penelope is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-14-2005, 09:52 AM   #2
Ink Slinger
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Southern California
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,607
Psycho6058
I like this a lot, Pen. Just two comments as far as critique goes. 2nd stanza, 2nd line should leaded be leaden? And the very last word did you mean cavalry (as in army unit) or Calvary (as in where crucifixtion took place)? because if you meant the latter, it should be capitalized since it's a proper noun. Yes?
__________________
All that is necessary for the forces of evil to win the world is for enough good men to do nothing...Edmund Burke
Psycho6058 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-14-2005, 09:55 AM   #3
WF Supporter!
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Vancouver - Canada
Posts: 8,904
Penelope is an unknown quantity at this point
No - leaded as in shot full of lead or leaded windows as in the soul. Calvary - yes - that should be a capital. I'll change it.
__________________
"Trees cause more pollution than automobiles do." Ronald Reagan ~ 1981

Poetry Editor @ Sacred Twilight
Penelope is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-14-2005, 02:33 PM   #4
Best Seller
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Ohio
Gender: Male
Posts: 561
Burnz
Send a message via Yahoo to Burnz
Penelope,

Great read. I enjoyed the wording in this one a lot.
__________________
"It's none of their business that you have to learn how to write. Let them think you were born that way."
-Ernest Hemingway

www.scorpology.com
www.clevelandchatters.com My Hangout
Burnz is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-14-2005, 05:48 PM   #5
WF Supporter!
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Vancouver - Canada
Posts: 8,904
Penelope is an unknown quantity at this point
Thanks very much Burnz. This weekend a soldier, Smokey Smith, was laid to rest, with full honours, after being the 9th Canadian to lie in state in our National capital. The man said that the real heros were the ones who never came home. His words were on my mind when I wrote this.
__________________
"Trees cause more pollution than automobiles do." Ronald Reagan ~ 1981

Poetry Editor @ Sacred Twilight
Penelope is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-14-2005, 06:07 PM   #6
Best Seller
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Ohio
Gender: Male
Posts: 561
Burnz
Send a message via Yahoo to Burnz
In another's words, wisdom that we gather tends to last the test of time and is associated with what we feel.
__________________
"It's none of their business that you have to learn how to write. Let them think you were born that way."
-Ernest Hemingway

www.scorpology.com
www.clevelandchatters.com My Hangout
Burnz is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


All times are GMT -5. The time now is 06:44 AM.
Powered by vBulletin, Copyright ©2000-2007, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
LinkBacks Enabled by vBSEO 3.1.0


 
You are NOT Logged In.
User Name:

Password



Newsletter

Subscribe to Majestic
the official newsletter of Writing Forums and lit.org
Email:


Related Links

Link to Us:
Writing Forums - Discussions for Writers