Very cool little poem. I am partial to short poems, myself. What I got from this was that although the stars are numerous, they are not as worshiped as the sun as it is alone. Does the sun's uniqueness a cause for its glory?
I like how this is nice a short, personally I would not add much to it. If anything, you might even wish to shorten it. Poems that are this focused need to make every syllable of every word count.
Quote:
The moon rises with
million stars in sky
but none worship
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This reads strangely to me. Do mean to say that none of the stars worship, or that none of the stars
are worshiped. I think you mean the latter. Also, you do not need "in sky" as we know where the moon and stars are and you should try to cut everything down to the nub. One last point, I think you want an "a" between "with" and "million".
Quote:
the dying sun says
how alone one is
sinking in glory
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The thrust of this stanza is "sinking in glory" but your verb "says" dilutes it (and adds more words). Try and find something more succinct.
Re-arranging things a bit (I hope you don't mind).
Quote:
The moon rises
with a million
stars but none
are worshiped.
The dying sun sinks
alone in glory.
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Its a great poem and an interesting idea. Hope you found this useful.
Michael
