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| Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc. |
08-14-2005, 03:15 AM
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#1
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Jul 2005
Gender: Female
Posts: 355
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She's the one.
When she's the one-
and you’ll know it-
'Cause she's the one,
who's in your dreams,
on your mind
Shes the one
that your thinking of,
when you've got that faraway look in your eyes.
And when your friends
ask whats up,
you say nothing.
But that nothing
means more to you in the world than anything else.
She isn’t hot.
Shes beautiful
Gorgeous
Breathtaking
And when you see her,
talk to her,
think of her,
you’ve got that smile on your face.
Because it seems like
when she's there,
nothing can ever go wrong
forever and ever
She's the one.
-A boy who's tripped and fallen into love. I know it's really cheesy, and you've probably seen a thousand like it. But it's simple and it's what I'm feeling. Comments are welcome. 
__________________
Supporting member #1 of Alliterationaholics Anonymous.
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08-14-2005, 12:44 PM
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#2
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Profound Writer
Join Date: May 2005
Location: At my desk, with my pen
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,035
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overall it was a pretty good poem... the concept is cliche... but we ALL write poems like this when we fall in love, so hey, who cares, right?  anyways, there were some choppy parts, and areas where there were lines that didn't exactly fit in with the rest of the poem, and it could use some improvement... but it was good.
Quote:
She isn’t hot.
Shes beautiful
Gorgeous
Breathtaking
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I especially enjoyed this stanza.
__________________
GOD HELP ME!
IT'S THE SOUND THAT MAKES ME PUNCH INFANTS! (but not ms. vodka's)
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08-14-2005, 02:43 PM
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#3
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good critique by smalls, i would have to agree...
but i will also have to say that despite all that, this truly made me smile... and get that sort of warm, fuzzy feeling.
love is so sweet.
good luck with that!
vodka
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08-14-2005, 03:50 PM
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#4
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Facing West
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,179
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I agree with smalls on that stanza, I really like that one. I like this poem, it means a little more to me because right now I'm going through that stage with a amazing woman....
Way to put into words what I'm thinking..
Barr
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Founding, but disgraced, member of the Gigi fanclub
Go Banana!
I am recommended by 2 out of 3 x-girlfriends.
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08-14-2005, 03:59 PM
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#5
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Best Seller
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: East London
Posts: 629
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Nice poem. Yes it is a bit cliche but the sweetness of the poem overshadows that. I think its a bit simple though. You could have gone more indepth with these feelings and used more imagery to show us these feelings for this lucky girl. Nice poem none the less.
__________________
"KNIVES AND RHYMES"
"poetry or the streets."
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08-14-2005, 11:18 PM
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#6
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Jul 2005
Gender: Female
Posts: 355
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Okay well. *bites lip* I wrote that in about 30 seconds. It kind of poured out of me, and I couldn't bring myself to go back and put in 'depth' (as I do with most of my poems, let me assure you)
I'm glad you enjoyed it, and I am sooo happy that you guys can be honest and tell me that it was still cliche and basically a pretty simple poem. Thanks!!
__________________
Supporting member #1 of Alliterationaholics Anonymous.
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