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| Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc. |
08-13-2005, 11:52 PM
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#1
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Profound Writer
Join Date: May 2005
Location: At my desk, with my pen
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,035
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Ears of the Smitten
k, so I dunno why I've been writing such short short poetry lately... but I think that I like it, so who cares, right? anyways, here it is
"Ears of the Smitten"
Such ecstasy
as is only felt
in the deepest
chambers of the heart
When loving words
are exchanged as
sweet whispers
Sent to tickle
the ears of the smitten
__________________
GOD HELP ME!
IT'S THE SOUND THAT MAKES ME PUNCH INFANTS! (but not ms. vodka's)
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08-14-2005, 12:22 AM
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#2
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Missouri
Gender: Female
Posts: 338
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I really like this, Smalls. It has a sweetness to it, especially at the end. Plus, I've always been a fan of the word smitten... has a certain ring to it, a sense of bliss.
The only thing I might change is
Quote:
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Originally Posted by Smalls
in the deepest
chambers of the heart
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Personally, chambers of the heart feels a little chilly to me. That may only be personally perception, so take it with a grain of salt. I might use something like
Quote:
in the starving
corners of the heart
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or something like that.
Still, either way I liked it immensely.
Good job 
__________________
If my answers frighten you, then you should cease asking scary questions.
www.onlynola.com
That's the way, uh-huh uh-huh, I like it, uh-huh uh-huh...
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08-14-2005, 02:53 AM
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#3
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Jul 2005
Gender: Female
Posts: 355
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Ooo. I liked it! It was very short and at the beginning I didn't think the poem would amount to much, but those last two lines were awesome!
I'm totally in the mood for random love poetry right now (I think I may have tripped and fallen in love) and this fit my mood pretty well.
__________________
Supporting member #1 of Alliterationaholics Anonymous.
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08-14-2005, 10:07 AM
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#4
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Profound Writer
Join Date: May 2005
Location: At my desk, with my pen
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,035
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Nola- thank you for reading and critiqueing! Much appreciated, buddy ol' pal!
Savant Deviance- heehee, glad to see that we're on the same wavelength  'tis quite funny, I was talking to this girl, and then BAM the entire poem wrote itself in my brain! Anyways, thank you for reading!
__________________
GOD HELP ME!
IT'S THE SOUND THAT MAKES ME PUNCH INFANTS! (but not ms. vodka's)
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08-14-2005, 10:12 AM
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#5
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Best Seller
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: East London
Posts: 629
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Nice little love poem. I love short poems as well, they tend to have more of an impact than much longer poems. The last two lines are really great and really bring the poem together. Nice work.
__________________
"KNIVES AND RHYMES"
"poetry or the streets."
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08-14-2005, 12:40 PM
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#6
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Profound Writer
Join Date: May 2005
Location: At my desk, with my pen
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,035
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thanks Sparx, i always enjoy reading your comments, they bring a smile to my face... thank you for reading!
__________________
GOD HELP ME!
IT'S THE SOUND THAT MAKES ME PUNCH INFANTS! (but not ms. vodka's)
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08-14-2005, 01:11 PM
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#7
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Southern California
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,607
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Very very nice, what's wrong with short anyway, haikus have been around for a looooooooooong time.
__________________
All that is necessary for the forces of evil to win the world is for enough good men to do nothing...Edmund Burke
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08-14-2005, 01:42 PM
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#8
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Profound Writer
Join Date: May 2005
Location: At my desk, with my pen
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,035
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thanks psycho!
__________________
GOD HELP ME!
IT'S THE SOUND THAT MAKES ME PUNCH INFANTS! (but not ms. vodka's)
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08-14-2005, 02:25 PM
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#9
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smalls, i am so incredibly impressed by the progression of your work since you have joined this forum.
there is nothing in this poem that i would suggest you change.
it's beautiful.
i think you are truly finding your voice.
respects,
vodka
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08-14-2005, 02:31 PM
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#10
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Profound Writer
Join Date: May 2005
Location: At my desk, with my pen
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,035
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by ms. vodka
smalls, i am so incredibly impressed by the progression of your work since you have joined this forum.
there is nothing in this poem that i would suggest you change.
it's beautiful.
i think you are truly finding your voice.
respects,
vodka
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Vodka,
If I've ever smiled wider in my life, I can't remember... this comment means so much to me, you have no idea! I'm so glad that you enjoyed this... thank you. Words cannot describe how happy I am right now.
__________________
GOD HELP ME!
IT'S THE SOUND THAT MAKES ME PUNCH INFANTS! (but not ms. vodka's)
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08-14-2005, 02:37 PM
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#11
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and your reply just made me smile very widely myself.
you deserve it smalls, i'm simply being honest.
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