Ultimate Rule: Dictatorship - Writers Forum

Burnz · 08-12-2005, 07:41 PM

Ultimate Rule

Skulls are lined up in several rows,
decorating the shrine dedicated to occupation.
They gleam in the
darkness like accusing eyes.

Over two thousand sets of
empty eye sockets,
once containing vibrant dreams
and goals, now hold pencils.

His cape whisks across the
polished floors and whispers
over each of the skulls like
A gnarled, molester’s hand.

Pictures showing pools
of black crude are posted
on every available wall,
like a proud parent will
hang up a child’s worksheets.

Standing on piles of cash
like an old dragon guarding his
treasure, making sure not a
bit of it is out of place.

Striding silently through
crowds of unacknowledged
questions, like a dictator
too powerful to listen to the masses.

He crushes his heel into each
hand that approaches him palm up,
unless there is oil
in barrels beneath it.

Jude Knox · 08-13-2005, 12:53 AM

Sinister.

I like the idea.

Do you personally like the way this poem's laid out? The reason I ask this is because I usually don't suggest to others how they should organize their own poetry. This time I'm actually tempted to make a suggestion but it's only because I see a huge potential in exaggerating the creepiness factor to a maximum level. So...alskdfjalskdfjaslkdfj

Psycho6058 · 08-13-2005, 06:38 AM

Nice job Burnz, you should forward a copy to 16 Pennsylvania Ave.

Saturnal · 08-13-2005, 09:04 AM

THis reminds me of this one guy who I see on TV a lot

I like the picture I get from the poem. So the imagery I think is powerful and correct for the subject matter. I just have a few suggestions to make it come through a little smoother and harder.

The first thing is that I think lines in a poem should stand on their own. It just reads better to me. So you have a couple of lines that can't stand alone. I'll go through a couple:

1.) "occupation. They gleam in the" - I'd say it's better to let lines in a poem be too short or too long than it is to force them to be a certain length in relation to the other lines. There are exceptions like where you're writing something that has a definite rythm that you don't want to break, but this peice doesn't seem to need that. So here's how I can see that first part being reconstructed a bit:

Skulls are lined up in several rows,
decorating the shrine dedicated to occupation.
They gleam in the darkness
like accusing eyes.

The second line is a bit too long and the last line is a bit too short, but I think they're now in a better spot. You could always work with each of those to lengthen and shorten where it's needed. Like the second line has lots of long words...decorate, dedicate, occupy. You could replace 'decorating' with 'gracing', or replace 'occupation' with 'conquest'. Same goes for the last line in that it can be lengthened by adding some other words to describe the eyes. "like accusing, hostile eyes" for example.

2.) "treasure, making sure not a" - This doesn't stand on its own to me either. Re-organizing this stanza could be like:

Standing on piles of cash
like an old dragon guarding his treasure,
making sure not a bit of it
is out of place.

So again, line 2 is too long and line 4 is too short. But they can be worked with. You can even make the stanzas all 3 lines instead of 4 like:

Skulls are lined up in several rows,
decorating the shrine dedicated to occupation.
They gleam in the darkness like accusing eyes.
.
.
.
Standing on piles of cash
like an old dragon guarding his treasure,
making sure not a bit of it is out of place.

It's sort of hard to tell which way to go about restructuring it, but however you do it, I think it would help push the imagery through a bit more.

Burnz · 08-13-2005, 11:45 AM

jude--yes it does need a bit more impact.

Pyscho, I would forward that down to PA avenue, but he is at the ranch right now.

Saturnal--thanks for the suggestions...I wrote this in a rush and didn't really read it after. I'll change those lines that leave you hanging.

Thank you all for stopping by and commenting!!

08-13-2005, 07:23 PM

burnz, this is so good...

i'm jealous.

vodka

Burnz · 08-13-2005, 07:29 PM

Vodka-

Thanks for stopping by, you are far too kind. I am jealous of many of your poems. That and nobody grabs my ass in bars anymore

Oh well, thanks again for commenting

08-13-2005, 07:47 PM

laughing... quite funny too.

Burnz · 08-13-2005, 07:53 PM

Vodka that one line in your poem just stuck in my head forever. It was great, not so much for you though I imagine, but great for something that tweaks a memory.