October Song

This piece desperately needs some work, IMO...lots of critique, please! Also, title suggestions if you could.

From whence comes this dream
That tastes like reality
With all the heartbreak of reality
But still, I managed
One claiming of your lips
At least taking your exquisite sensation
For myself, to savor.
I want all of you
Every inch, every piece
Every hidden secret
With an overwhelming hunger
That makes my face flush pink to consider.
Don’t push me away in the realms of dreams, love
This fantasy is so potent it makes me tremble
Stay here, and finish it;
Dreams are the heart’s true desires.

Whende

I suppose you could title it having something to do with dreams, since that is the most mentioned subject in the poem. It flowed well. I had to reread it to understand it, but that might just be because I'm listening to music at the same time.

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mswietek

Ok, you asked for it . This entire poem reads as very abstract. It is difficult for me to get into this poem in a way that makes me feel what the narrator is feeling. In my mind the best line of the poem is "Where comes this dream that tastes like reality". I would dump this poem, and try expanding the "taste" metaphor more fully. Don't tell me what you want and need. Tell me what you see, hear, and (most importantly) taste, and I will be drawn in.


From whence comes this dream
Don't use archaic language like this. Where comes this dream will do nicely.
That tastes like reality
With all the heartbreak of reality
I don't like two lines that end in reality. Think of something different and evocative. But also punctuate. There should be a "?" at the end of this.
But still, I managed
One claiming of your lips
Seems an overblown way of saying "kiss".
At least taking your exquisite sensation
Which sensation?? description and sense are the life blood of poetry. Don't avoid it with the generic "exquisite sensation".
For myself, to savor.
I want all of you
Every inch, every piece
Every hidden secret
All secrets are hidden. I would drop "hidden".
With an overwhelming hunger
Hungering for love is a cliche.
That makes my face flush pink to consider.
Concrete details. This is good!!
Don’t push me away in the realms of dreams, love
This fantasy is so potent it makes me tremble
Stay here, and finish it;
Dreams are the heart’s true desires.

Michael

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"Don't imagine that the art of poetry is any simpler than the art of music, or that you can please the expert before you have spent at least as much effort on the art of verse as an average piano teacher spends on the art of music." - Ezra Pound

October Song

Wow...thanks! That's exactly the kind of critique I was looking for. I'll be reading through your suggestions even more closely tomorrow and doing some revising (I'm about to go to bed and am nearly comatose at the moment, so I don't know how far I'd get.) But thanks so much, this really helps a lot!

mswietek

No problem October, post a revision when you are ready and I would be happy to look at it. And I won't hold the Red Sox against you (born and raised in NY here).

Michael

__________________
"Don't imagine that the art of poetry is any simpler than the art of music, or that you can please the expert before you have spent at least as much effort on the art of verse as an average piano teacher spends on the art of music." - Ezra Pound

October Song

Wow...these revisions took a while. I sat down last week to work on it, and I got just about nowhere. So I let it sit, and finally I come up with this. I basically rewrote the whole poem, just using the same basic ideas. I think it's a lot better, but let me know what you think.

From where comes this dream
That tastes like reality
That tastes like your lips
Pressed, with a hint of reluctance
Against mine?
What is this dream
With its bittersweet plausibility
Where I can sense your fear
And your desire despite it?
Here, in this fantasy
I can have you the way I want you
The way that, now, awake,
My face flushed pink to consider.
Don’t push me away in the realm of dreams, love,
For this is our hearts’ true desire.

Still no title...I'm thinking just something simple, like "This Dream."

gordon

This dream ,not where comes
2nd line works
3rd the taste of your lips
4th line dump it
5th OK
lose what on the 6th
7th line lose
8th I sense your fear
9th your desire
10th is this fantasy
11th I want you
12th now. awake. that way
13th flushed I consider
14th In this realm of dreams
15TH True desire
This is known as an edit with emphasis
On the edit not a rewrite just a push in the direction the reader may like
G

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