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| Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc. |
08-08-2005, 05:58 AM
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#1
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: America...
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,712
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Debonair Stranger
You'll forever be a debonair stranger
searching the reaches of the heart.
Eternally a debonair stranger
ever socially apart.
Forever a debonair stranger
empowered with ragged wisdom.
Eternally a debonair stranger
Emperor of a nightmare kingdom.
Forever a debonair stranger
knowing the transition of emotions,
Eternally a debonair stranger
in the changing seas of relations.
Forever a debonair stranger
Keeper of my soul...
Eternally a debonair stranger
exacting a universe's toll.
Last edited by Cold Twilight : 04-05-2007 at 01:12 PM.
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08-08-2005, 11:36 AM
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#2
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WF Supporter!
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Vancouver - Canada
Posts: 8,904
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Wonderful title and I liked the meter of this poem. The tone and repeat added to the flavour of foreboding. Nice job. While I would not use a rhyme of emotions/relations because of the middle vowel it still can be considered a rhyme. To me - emotion would rhyme with devotion - commotion - potion - lotion - even ocean.  |
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08-08-2005, 03:52 PM
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#3
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: America...
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,712
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I agree on the rhyme bit...I couldn't figure out another word that would convey what I wanted and still rhyme, but I'm still working on it. Thanks very much for the input.
*Edit* Yay! I fixed it!!!
Last edited by Cold Twilight : 10-20-2006 at 01:26 PM.
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10-30-2006, 03:26 PM
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#4
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Wordsmith
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: wherever I wish it to be
Gender: Male
Posts: 8,487
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hahaha I love it. somehow the repetition of Debonair didn't rub off on me poorly, alot of times such successive repition does, but I enjoyed this. Even more so when I found out what debonair means  |
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10-30-2006, 05:37 PM
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#5
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Best Seller
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: In my head
Gender: Female
Posts: 722
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I really like where this piece is coming from and intent of the journey! A wonderful word is "debonair" but sorry the repetition of it got to me after the second stanza. Also just a me thing ...I would rethink the first word of every line being capitalized. Others might have something to say about that too ...
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04-05-2007, 01:13 PM
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#6
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: America...
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,712
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Thamior, Walrus, again, much thanks for your input! I will certainly take your comments under the careful consideration that they deserve. Glad you liked 'Debonair'! I love that word! |
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04-05-2007, 02:00 PM
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#7
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Scribe
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: if you see a van outside your window I'm conducting surveillance from it
Gender: Private
Posts: 97
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Damn! I like this poem. The repetition of forever a debonair stranger amidst all of that emotion really did it for me. 3 thumbs way up, but I only got 2!
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04-05-2007, 07:22 PM
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#8
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: America...
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,712
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lol. Much thanks!
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04-27-2007, 01:44 PM
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#9
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I had no idea that you wrote a poem about me!
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04-27-2007, 01:45 PM
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#10
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: America...
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,712
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*raises eyebrows* lol. If it applies, then by all means, feel free! ;D
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04-27-2007, 01:47 PM
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#11
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That's generous of you
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04-27-2007, 01:53 PM
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#12
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: America...
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,712
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mmmm. Except for the last verse. |
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04-27-2007, 01:56 PM
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#13
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You don't think a universe is worth the price of one soul?
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04-27-2007, 01:59 PM
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#14
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: America...
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,712
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Not what that means. Means that the stranger is taking that much toll on the soul. Rhyming is automatic. |
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04-27-2007, 02:01 PM
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#15
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very nice
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