Death_and_her_Cat

What about me?

My pain, my fears and my tears
My joy, my love and my loss.

Selfish thoughts running in circles
Each shouting louder than the next
'Pick Me', 'No Pick Me', just go away
A callous mind, self-centred and vain.

What about the pain that I am feeling?
Grief over one so dear, yet so far
Sorrow in the lonliness of the night
Desolation in the bleakness of the mind.

Tears prick their cage, breaking free
Trickling down my pale white cheeks
Burning their red fury upon my skin
Beast of jealousy rising fast, too fast.

I give, and I help and I am here...
But what about when I need help...
Who is here for me?


~ Same goes for this poem, titles horrible and its a simple expression of thoughts and emotions that I needed to get off my chest. ~

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Her feelings she hides, her dreams she can't find,
She's losing her mind, she's falling behind,
She can't find her place, she's losing her faith,
She's falling from grace, she's lost inside.
~ Avril Lavigne - Nobody's Home ~

103_smalls

I'm very impressed by this one. For a poem where you're only trying to get stuff off your chest, this is very very good... I remember times of my own heartbreak, I'd write confessionalist poems that really really sucked, because I was writing blindly... it's good to see that you're not having that same problem.

And I hope that these horrible emotions that linger with you will lift soon, my man... nobody should have to cry too much in their lives.

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GOD HELP ME!

IT'S THE SOUND THAT MAKES ME PUNCH INFANTS! (but not ms. vodka's)

Death_and_her_Cat

I fine it strange how everyone says how well written these rants are... its a five minute jot down of horrible emotions I'd rather not have... I don't edit any of my poems, not before I post them here anyway... I'm being strange... ignore me.

__________________
Her feelings she hides, her dreams she can't find,
She's losing her mind, she's falling behind,
She can't find her place, she's losing her faith,
She's falling from grace, she's lost inside.
~ Avril Lavigne - Nobody's Home ~

Spudley

What you have here is a very well described flow of emotion. And I think that's what makes it work is that it all flows out so well; you've captured the turmoil of bubbling emotions.

I really liked the concept of selfish thoughts shouting 'pick me'... it's what they would do, isn't it.

On the other hand, the tears in their cage metaphor seems somewhat trite. (In fact, I could swear I've seen it in a poem before, but I can't think when)

It's all very angsty, but that's not necessarily a bad thing; I've written stuff like this myself in the past, so I'm not going to judge it on that. But it'd never get published, of course.

There is some good stuff here, though I can see it hasn't had any editing I guess it would be a difficult one to edit. If you're feeling different emotions when you edit it, you're just as likely to damage the poem as make it better.

All the best.

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Spudley Strikes Again
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