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| Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc. |
08-05-2005, 01:49 PM
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#1
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Addict
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: England
Gender: Female
Posts: 189
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In My Room
Lonliness
A desolate feeling, heavy on my chest
An acheing soul, pain in my heart
Numbness of the mind, throbbing head
Stinging eyes threatening salty tears
And a deep sorrow, welling up inside.
Wondering why these feelings are here
Fingers tapping, words appearing onscreen
Alone in my room, no friendly face near
Typing and feeling inside this desolation
Why do I feel like the world is no more?
All gone, to other people and other days
They walk in so many different ways
Leaving me here in a lonely daze
The only thing to do, stand and gaze.
~ I know it needs a title rework and I know only the last stanza rhymes... there is a method to that. It's isn't meant to be a masterpiece, it is an expression of an emotion that was just too big to keep inside. ~
__________________
Her feelings she hides, her dreams she can't find,
She's losing her mind, she's falling behind,
She can't find her place, she's losing her faith,
She's falling from grace, she's lost inside.
~ Avril Lavigne - Nobody's Home ~
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08-05-2005, 01:51 PM
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#2
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Profound Writer
Join Date: May 2005
Location: At my desk, with my pen
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,035
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Quote:
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is an expression of an emotion that was just too big to keep inside. ~
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 I know what you mean, and, if nothing else, you did an excellent job of expressing that emotion.
__________________
GOD HELP ME!
IT'S THE SOUND THAT MAKES ME PUNCH INFANTS! (but not ms. vodka's)
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08-05-2005, 01:58 PM
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#3
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Best Seller
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: East London
Posts: 629
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Nice poem. Its good to see a poet who can express his/her feelings using the form of poetry. I know the feeling your conveying and i can relate to it. Sometimes we realise we are alone, more alone than we ever really thought or dare to think. Its a nice poem but i do have one or two suggestions:
"Lonliness"
It should be Loneliness .
"A desolate feeling, heavy on my chest
An acheing soul, pain in my heart
Numbness of the mind, throbbing head
Stinging eyes threatening salty tears
And a deep sorrow, welling up inside. "
Remove "And" from the last line in this stanza. It isn't needed and the stanza would flow much better without it.
Apart from that, nice poem.
__________________
"KNIVES AND RHYMES"
"poetry or the streets."
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08-05-2005, 02:13 PM
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#4
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Addict
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: England
Gender: Female
Posts: 189
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I never noticed the mispelling thanks... I used the And as a summation, but I can see what you mean.
__________________
Her feelings she hides, her dreams she can't find,
She's losing her mind, she's falling behind,
She can't find her place, she's losing her faith,
She's falling from grace, she's lost inside.
~ Avril Lavigne - Nobody's Home ~
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