OhEffDubyaBee - Writers Forum

103_smalls · 08-05-2005, 11:06 AM

Originally, i wasn't going to post this, becuase this is really personal, and so it may be kind of hard to understand (like the title, for example) but, oh well, i haven't posted here in a while and I"ve had writer's block, so I gotta post something!

[disc:24460edacb]Matrue content[/disc:24460edacb]

"OhEffDubyaBee"

Something to bust in
That's all you really are to me
Which is just dandy-fine
Since that's all you really want to be

"Official Friends With Benefits"
Yes, I believe that was the word
That you used to describe our senseless fucking
As if it meant nothing more to you

So lay down, yeah, just like that
And get ready to take it
Like you've never had it before
Yeah, get ready to take it
From someone who loves you, whore

08-05-2005, 01:26 PM

huh... this is strangely hot and sad all at the same time...

kinda like me.

vodka

Burnz · 08-05-2005, 01:35 PM

smalls, it is sad more than anything. Booty calls are for people that don't feel good about themselves. I had one once, never has a soul felt so empty as mine did that following day.

Romantic at heart I guess

103_smalls · 08-05-2005, 01:43 PM

Vodka:

I'll bet

Thanks for readin' Vodka!

Burnz: You said it perfectly. and "Booty Call" is a funny term. Thanks for the read. And, yes, the following day, reflecting upon your actions... no fun

Nola · 08-05-2005, 03:13 PM

I'll cast my vote with the 'sad' description. Brings back some rather unpleasant memories. For all that, though, I still think it's really good work.

A couple of things...

I think you could leave out the 'really' in

Quote:

Since that's all you really want to be

And the second verse just hit a little speed bump

Quote:

"Official Friends With Benefits"
Yes, I believe that was the word
That you used to describe our senseless fucking
As if it meant nothing more to you

Here, I'd change the second line and fourth lines, possibly to something like

Quote:

"Official Friends with Benefits"
I believe that was the phrase
you used to describe our senseless fucking
and the closeness it betrays.

Well, not necessarily those EXACT words, but something like that, anyway. I just thought the first version kind of held me up a little, where the rest of it read really easily.

And last *okay, it wasn't a couple of things, it was 3 things, lol*

Quote:

So lay down, yeah, just like that
And get ready to take it
Like you've never had it before
Yeah, get ready to take it
From someone who loves you, whore

Just one line here... I'd substitute 'Yeah, get ready to take it' with 'Yeah, take it like you want it', or 'Yeah, the only way you'll have it'.

Quote:

So lay down, yeah, just like that
And get ready to take it
Like you've never had it before
Yeah, the only way you'll have it
From someone who loves you, whore

Hope one or all of these help. If not, I don't mind, I'll just sit here and keep enjoying reading your work.

Good job!

103_smalls · 08-05-2005, 05:50 PM

thank you very much for critiqueing this Nola!! If you dont' mind, I'm going to steal all of this advice, save for the last bit... 'casue in the end if i had said either of those, it may have implied that "she" wanted "me" to love "her" when I was trying to emphasize that "she" would rather just fuck. Anyway, the rest was really good advice, and it helped muchly. Thanks so much!

Nola · 08-05-2005, 06:48 PM

Glad any of it came in handy, smalls

What I was trying to say with that last bit was that the only way she would have sex with someone who loves her was in a situation where she could keep her feelings removed and set clear 'friendship' boundaries. But, hey, if I shot two out of three, I'm ecstatic

I look forward to seeing more of your writing.

nae411 · 08-05-2005, 06:53 PM

Smalls you did a wonderful job at describing your hurt and frustration. The write was sad especially knowing that you loved her and that the feelings were not returned or are hidden. Look forward to reading more of you.

Nae

103_smalls · 08-05-2005, 08:13 PM

thanks nae!!!! It meants lots to me that you enjoy it, 'cause I like it when ppl like my work

Thank you for reading.

salvothasock · 08-05-2005, 09:00 PM

interesting, never seen anything put like that before
a fine 'fuck you' to... whoever, literally heh, heh..... heh... ahem
ok ill be going now

ps very well written by the way

103_smalls · 08-05-2005, 09:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by salvothasock

interesting, never seen anything put like that before
a fine 'fuck you' to... whoever, literally heh, heh..... heh... ahem
ok ill be going now

ps very well written by the way

Thanks for the read, and comment... and for making me giggle

103_smalls · 08-05-2005, 11:56 PM

horray, money!!

Thanks for the read, my man! Much appreciated

usernamelessness · 08-06-2005, 04:33 AM

Wow...don't dare thank me for this read...I thank you for the read. It was great...I enjoyed it...a lot. And yes, the tile made no sense, which is the reason why I clicked it :P