|
Overall, I say a good peice. Somehow the meter in the first stanza seemed out of place... (maybe I'm just in a picky mood). The pale-hell rhyme in the last stanza is a little off, but hey! if I can't think of anything better I can't complain. Spelling: pail=pale, their=there. As I said before, I thought it was good, and has a lot a potential.
By the way, welcome to the forums.
__________________
The Palace Flophouse
When Newton closed his eyes beneath a tree
and took the apple from the serpent, he
conceived the urge of humanity, plea, plea,
procreant desire and tendency.
|
