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god, this guy sounds like a jerk.. assuming that you are a girl...
this poem, like the guy, needs some working over...
it is too wordy, and there is a lack of rythm.
i hope you don't mind if i do this, and i'm going to do it quickly, so don't take it as set in stone... it is your work and you have to own it yourself...
Falling in love,
was a dream come true.
Until you stomped all over my heart.
(this first stanza is filled with cliche. instead of using the cliche to describe how you feel... dig into your heart and come up with your own way to express the sentiments in this stanza. remember that no one is you, which makes your experiences different from everyone elses. try describing the emotions you felt...)
You flirted with me,
which led me on,
Because when I asked you out,
You said I wasn't the one(in not so many words)
(You flirted with me,
only leading me on.
when i asked you out
i wasn't the one)
(this stanza is way too wordy, and doesn't need the parenthesis aside. keep it to the point... and again, the last line is a cliche... make it personal to you.)
In ealier years you said you didn't like to mix races
The when I tried to get over you,
you tried harder for me to like you
(you once said you
didn't like to mix races.
but when i left
you wanted me)
(again, with the wordiness.)
Now you act like I never existed,
you ignore messages I send your way in hopes for someone,
just someone to talk to.
(It's as I never existed
now, as you ignore me again,
upon my return,
and my lonliness)
(wordiness again.)
I'm completely over you now,
And I want to make it all clear for you.
So don't pull your games on me any more.
(Now, I'm over you.
Put your head in a hole.
I won't be here anymore.)
Go find a hole to put your head in,
Because you have reached a deadend,
Street.
The last two stanzas can be combined into one.
When you are writing sometimes it helps to read your work out loud to yourself. Does it sound right? Does it roll off your tongue, or do you stumble in sections?
As I said to 103 Smalls the other day, I can tell that you have something huge to say here, and a lot of hurt behind it. Do yourself and your emotions justice by making this poem have as much impact on the reader as possible. Use your own phrases, words, ideas, to describe your feelings. Choose your words carefully. Involve as many of the five senses as possible.
Hope this helps...
You have a good start here. I'm looking forward to reading more of your work in the future.
vodka
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