is a pindrop quiet? - Writers Forum

Hungry Joe · 08-01-2005, 12:52 PM

The moon is pale and yellowed
And it hangs there in the sky
Surrounded by a soundless void
and it cries (?) a soundless cry

Somehow in a sea of stars
it looks so very small
So very cold and very distant
As the clock ticks on the wall.

It’s loud and it clicks loudly
As loudly as my heart
As loudly as the crickets chirping
So loud before the day will start.

Burnz · 08-01-2005, 02:44 PM

Joe-

Couple of things I didn't like, but maybe it doesn't bother other people. In the second stanza, how about dropping the very in the third line and have it go like this:

Somehow in a sea of stars
it looks so very small
So cold and distant
As the clock ticks on the wall.

Then the third stanza is way too loud for me. You should use different describing words there, it will still hammer home the point.

It proclaims loudly with each click
As boisterous as my heart
As intense as the crickets chirping
So intensly before the day will start

mammamaia · 08-02-2005, 08:53 AM

i don't see anything wrong with the repeat of 'loud'... i think it does what you want it to do... and the meter is consistent with 'very/very' used in that line... cutting it down would depart from the established flow...

only changes i'd suggest are 'cries' to 'mouths' in re the one you're not sure of... and from 'so' to 'too' for the last line... to give it a punchline, instead of a more 'limp' one...

i also strongly urge you to lose all those first capitals... they're not consistent here and, besides, it's a format that hasn't been the accepted norm for serious poets for over a hundred years...

this is a very nice poem... i'm not in love with the title, but i can see why you chose it... i'm looking forward to reading more of your work...

love and hugs, maia

Hungry Joe · 08-02-2005, 10:16 AM

hey thanks. I just wanted to mention that the capital letters thing was just a result of me copy-pasting it from word, which has a tendency to capitalize things. (i've since disabled the feature, but it's an older poem)