Reprieve - Writers Forum

**Penelope** · 08-01-2005, 05:13 AM

Too hot to sleep
in the heavy dark
overcast with clouds
that sweat up the sheets
and stifle the breezes.
How do they roll with no wind?

They block the cool pall of the moon
and break the spell of the stars.
There's no smell of the sea
sweeping in through open windows
as the fan stirs stagnant air
and even silk flowers droop.

Then it begins to rain
and - as curses subside,
all is forgiven.

Searching Neverland · 08-01-2005, 05:20 AM

Wow, really good!
I especially like the way the words roll of your tongue when read aloud...
I forgot the word for it

, but it just all flows together, really interesting to read!
And the theme - *lol* very very easy to identify

luv
Laila

Psycho6058 · 08-01-2005, 06:23 AM

Very lovely (and familiar) image. Nice job, Pen.

**Penelope** · 08-01-2005, 06:29 AM

Thanks - it just began to rain and I'm so happy about it. I don't do well in the heat - thank heavens I live where I do! I'm trying my hand at free/blank verse to see how it goes. I appreciate the feedback very much. Even if someone has something to suggest to make this better too.

rcallaci · 08-01-2005, 06:07 PM

penelope

Your free verse is as good as your rhyme. Your wings have grown and you've learned to fly against the wind. One excellent piece of writing.

my warmest
bob

**Penelope** · 08-01-2005, 06:17 PM

Bob! You gent! Thanks

Gigi - I was just asking my well educated friend the same thing yesterday because I was trying to get my head wrapped around the difference. According to her (because .. she is in the know) it's about free verse having the ability to rhyme without form as well as keeping cadence/meter .. while blank verse is more like prose. That's all I can remember anyhow. She told me that Milton's Paradise Lost is blank verse. Thanks for liking it too Gigi!

Londongrey · 08-01-2005, 06:21 PM

I loved the alliteration in this piece, it was effortless as if there was no thought behind it, which always makes for better reading. The only thin I would change if you don't mind me saying is the last line of the first strophe, breaks the rhythm.

I love the subject too, the hot sticky night and the rain, makes you want to frolic in it before falling asleep.

**Penelope** · 08-01-2005, 06:25 PM

Alex - thanks very much - do you think that line needs to be removed? It was sort of an outloud thought to myself as I wrote this.

Londongrey · 08-01-2005, 06:31 PM

I would personally remove it, if you read the piece out loud it feels awkward, but that may just be me. Or even take the word 'in' out. Lol, then you shake it all about *ahem*. I am a real child this evening.

Burnz · 08-01-2005, 06:32 PM

Very good Pen. I like your rhyming and your free equally. The stifling heat thwarted by the cooling rains. I can't stand the humidity just before the clouds open up. I love reading your works!

**Penelope** · 08-01-2005, 06:49 PM

Alex - I did the less drastic of the two and like the results! Thanks!

Burnz - thanks very much. I do write prose from time to time but this is slightly different. More latitude with poetry - either way. I truly love to rhyme but enjoy exploring as well.

October Song · 08-01-2005, 09:36 PM

Very descriptive. The "cool pall of the moon" and "the spell of the stars" were two of my favorite lines. Well done. I can relate to the feeling in this. Good read, I enjoyed it.

**Penelope** · 08-01-2005, 10:48 PM

Thank you very much Oct...

huni · 08-02-2005, 12:41 AM

Pen - first Blank verse as I understand it, is unrhymed verse but HAVING a iambic pentameter. So every line has ten syllables with stress on every second one? Shakespeare did this as well apparently.
Then as you said, free verse may rhyme but with the breaks in no particular form. The poet can choose to make lines breaks to create tension, atmosphere or just to have naturally occurring speech or breath breaks. Some one may have more to add.

Now on to what's important. I just like this so much. My favourite form, as you know. Here to late to add anything new, good flow, fav lines, alliteration, it's all been said. I'm with bob Pen, you are flying. warm regards huni.

**Penelope** · 08-02-2005, 07:35 AM

huni - This isn't my first time trying free verse but this is the first one that has flowed instead of being clipped. Different topic though. I didn't know about the IP and syllable count for blank verse .. wouldn't that be like a sonnet that doesn't rhyme? I'll have to check out Milton's Paradise Lost which is .. according to the pro I know - blank verse. Thanks for the comment huni.

now I'm going back to the fish pond ...