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| Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc. |
08-01-2005, 02:48 AM
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#1
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Melbourne Australia
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,065
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Seventies Suicide
Buy the guitar,
buy the apartment,
find a job as a waiterss
and work til 3am.
Find yourself a lover
who'll keep fucking their exes -
you'll be on your way
to your seventies suicide.
Go to parties
in flats like your own.
Your lover is there
with the young, teenaged schoolgirl.
Then they offer powder,
saying you'll be a star -
you'll be on your way
to your seventies suicide.
Examine your milk
in the back of your limousine.
Reality becomes distortion
as you play to screaming mouths.
In your hotel room,
chop what's made you up finely -
you'll be on your way
to your seventies suicide.
Once your sales have fallen,
once your memory's trashed,
once your manager's admitted
that you have smashed,
you return home
to find a thousand others dying.
For the parties have gone,
with the guest of honour now Satan.
Just you and a guitar,
and your seventies suicide.
__________________
'Beauty stands and waits with gravity to start her death-defying leap. And he, a little charleychaplin man, who may or may not catch her fair eternal form spreadeagled in the empty air of existence.' - Laurence Felinghetti, 'The Acrobat'
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08-01-2005, 02:52 AM
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#2
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Writer
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Michigan, USA
Gender: Female
Posts: 25
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that's very interesting... hmmm... it's given me a lot to think about... thank you! 
__________________
"There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are."
~ W. Somerset Maugham
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08-01-2005, 12:24 PM
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#3
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nicely written, lisajane.
your work never fails to intrigue me.
i'm impressed.
vodka
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08-01-2005, 05:57 PM
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#4
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Southern California
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,607
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Have you worked out the music to this yet?
You need to, if not, it would be a great song.
__________________
All that is necessary for the forces of evil to win the world is for enough good men to do nothing...Edmund Burke
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08-01-2005, 08:40 PM
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#5
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: san francisco, ca.
Gender: Male
Posts: 485
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dear lisajane,
this is an extraordinarily good poem.
j.jd.
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08-01-2005, 08:49 PM
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#6
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Profound Writer
Join Date: May 2005
Location: At my desk, with my pen
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,035
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I agree with Psycho, this poem refused to just read itself to me... it insisted upon singing. Great job!
__________________
GOD HELP ME!
IT'S THE SOUND THAT MAKES ME PUNCH INFANTS! (but not ms. vodka's)
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08-01-2005, 08:54 PM
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#7
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Melbourne Australia
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,065
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Thanks guys  . Glad you all liked it.
I've never written lyrics before, so I wasn't sure how similar this was to lyrics... but as I was writing it I had a little tune going in my head for it.
Except I can't sing or work out music to it...
__________________
'Beauty stands and waits with gravity to start her death-defying leap. And he, a little charleychaplin man, who may or may not catch her fair eternal form spreadeagled in the empty air of existence.' - Laurence Felinghetti, 'The Acrobat'
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08-02-2005, 02:02 AM
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#8
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Behind you.
Posts: 1,065
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I can.
__________________
Once upon a time in the future ....
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08-02-2005, 06:13 AM
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#9
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Addict
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Vancouver
Gender: Male
Posts: 132
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Quote:
Your lover is there
with the young, teenaged schoolgirl.
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I very much liked it all lisajane, but those two lines were really slap in the face good.
*more praise*
"Find yourself a lover
who'll keep fucking their exes - "
The short specific lines work wonders here. I kind of lost the clean cut emotion the first two stanzas had by the end, but still – I have nothing but nice things to say.
__________________
Here lies one whos name was writ in water
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