Mona

Sort of corny but here it goes:

Who is it I know so well?
My mind, my heart? I cannot tell
Which of them will explain why
when I think of you I start to cry?
Which one of them will describe to me
the way you left, so carelessly
Will Mind ask me to turn away?
and will Heart argue 'do not obey'?
Yet Heart and Mind cannot ignore
my useless greiving anymore
You left me alone, you selfish man!
Hunt you, find you, I'll do what I can
Kill you, love you, leave you to rot
That look in your eyes that I almost forgot
To Heart and Mind, you mean nothing to me
you are merely a system, from you I'll be free
it is the soul that lurks behind and cries
'You have found me my mate!' and then forever dies

Psycho6058

Not a bad effort, I think you could do a little work on the meter to make it easier to read, the rhymes or o.k. but each line gets longer and longer and seems to throw off the reader. I like the use of capitalization for "Heart" and "Mind" Nice job overall.

__________________
All that is necessary for the forces of evil to win the world is for enough good men to do nothing...Edmund Burke

Mona

Thank you for your comments Psycho. I know what you mean about the lines getting longer by the end, I'll try and shorten them. I don't really like these following lines either and I'll work on those as well.

To Heart and Mind, you mean nothing to me
you are merely a system, from you I'll be free

Mona

Warlocklord

Mona the poem is not as corny as you state, you have two very strong parts that I think you should work on centralizing:

&

The problem I find, and it is similar to what Psycho6058 said, was that the poem does not flow easily. There are parts, like those listed above that are solid, whereas, the rest lacks a certain "something." It could be as simple as not using enough "description." That is just my opinion. If you edit this poem, I will be looking forward to reading it.

War

Mona

Thank you so much War.
Ok, I've been working on it and I think it's a lot better now. I feel like it's shortened in the end, and more descriptive. So I followed both your advice But I have a feeling that it's lacking something still.

Who is it that I know so well?
My mind, my heart? I cannot tell
Which one of them will explain why
you left me here with no goodbye
Will either soothe and comfort me?
Or will they curse you bitterly?
Will Mind ask me to turn away?
and Heart argue 'do not obey'?
Yet Heart and Mind cannot ignore
my useless grieving anymore
You left me alone, selfish man!
To find you I'll run, like you ran
Kiss you, love you, leave you to rot
You won't forget like I forgot
But we both know that we'll both find
ourselves, our love, our piece of mind
For Heart and Mind can't be deceived
I'll find my soul once it's retrieved
Only Soul lurks behind and cries
'You found me my mate!' and then dies

103_smalls

Overall, you did a good job on the revision of this one, but you may wanna work on the ending:

When you say sould twice there (and remmeber this is only my opinion) it seems repetitive... but overall, good job describing a feeling that I can relate to only too well .

__________________
GOD HELP ME!

IT'S THE SOUND THAT MAKES ME PUNCH INFANTS! (but not ms. vodka's)

johnjohndoe

"Kill you, love you, leave you to rot"

mona, i noticed you changed that line in your rewrite to "Kiss you, love you, leave you to rot." to be honest with you, i liked the original better.

i like your poem.


hope you're having a pleasant summer.

j.jd.

Mona

Thanks smalls and jjd.

Kill you, love you, leave you to rot
You won't forget like I forgot
But we both know that we'll both find
ourselves, our love, our piece of mind
For Heart and Mind can't be deceived
and victory can be achieved
It is Soul who lurks behind and cries
'You found me my mate!' and then dies

better?

JJD I was unsure about that line too. I first wrote the poem with kill you but after revising I felt that I was too harsh..but those are my true feelings! So I'm changing it again