Bear at Three Paces - Writers Forum

Burnz · 07-30-2005, 08:28 PM

Bear at Three Paces

Brittle twigs sound like a
Report from a .22 with
Each step I take.

Sweat oozes down my face and
Pools on my chin.
Eager droplets fight each other for
Space, causing some to fall.

No songs from perching birds
Or rustling sounds from
Small forest creatures as they
Dart back and forth gathering food.

I stop on the path,
To allow my ears to focus.
Absolute silence seems so
Loud as I strain to hear nothing.

Almost immediately I hear a
Muffled sound. It reminds me
Of an asthmatic puffing
On an inhaler.

The sound makes the hair
From my tailbone to my neck
Stand on end.

I don’t turn around to
See what I know is there.
The heavy breathing and
Strong odor reveal it.

Every nerve feels like
It has been hit by lightening
As adrenaline courses through
My veins.

I hit sprinting speed from
A dead standstill in two strides.
Piss flows freely down my
Legs as I race for my life.

huni · 07-30-2005, 08:41 PM

Ha! This sounds real. Have you recovered?

Last line 3rd stanza, seems like it should read something like 'as they pause from gathering food'. Just a bush girls perspective. It seems fear stops them from seeking food. Not that I know squat about bears, unless someone insists the Koalas are bears. warm regards huni

Burnz · 07-30-2005, 09:24 PM

Huni-

Thanks for the compliments. No, it wasn't from a real experience. As a kid though I thought something like that was after me. Turned out to be an overweight jogger running up behind me is all. Didn't piss myself but was scared about out of my wits.

103_smalls · 07-30-2005, 09:43 PM

heehee, the last stanza made me giggle

This was really good... you built tension well for the end when the bear came up from behind, and it kept me quite interested... and I do enjoy the cliff-hanger at the end, where I must decide for myself what happened to this poor little hiker

Burnz · 07-30-2005, 10:09 PM

103-

thanks for the compliments. Ever feel like you were about to bite it? The rush is unreal, like I said I never got chased by a bear, but that fat jogger got my blood flowing. LOL.

Psycho6058 · 07-31-2005, 07:17 AM

I enjoyed it, very good. Only remark: I think in the 5th sanza (third line) you should change "huffing" to "puffing"

Burnz · 07-31-2005, 10:53 AM

Psycho-

That does sound like a good idea. I think I'll exchange those two words. Thanks for the comments.

08-01-2005, 12:05 PM

excellent.

Burnz · 08-01-2005, 12:34 PM

Vodka-

Thank you for the comment. I think that's the least amount of words I've seen you write. LOL.

08-01-2005, 12:52 PM

Burnz · 08-01-2005, 02:25 PM

Vodka is always good on the rocks with a twist of cranberry

nae411 · 08-01-2005, 02:37 PM

Burnz, I got scared just reading this. I am such a chicken! Reminded me of the feeling I got watching "The Blaire Witch Project". Oh feeling the chills again...

Burnz · 08-01-2005, 02:53 PM

Nae-

Thanks, how do you think I felt even though it was just an overweight jogger. I just read a story from my old hometown where a woman got mauled by a black bear in her back yard. Scary living in Northern Minnesota. Blair Witch freaked me a little at first til I found out it was fake. Thanks for commenting Nae, always a pleasure to hear from you.

nae411 · 08-01-2005, 02:56 PM

I freaked and knew it was fake, lol. I am such a loser... No more scary movies for me I tell you.

Nae ;0)

Burnz · 08-01-2005, 03:00 PM

Nae,

We'll get a bucket of popcorn and watch the 4 Phantasm movies, they are kinda freaky to me even and I worked for four years burning bodies. LOL