Burnz

Closing Time

Piss stained floors reek
like slowly degraded ammonia.
Dirt streaks the walls
In a macabre vision
Emulating the great masters
In this porcelain filled hideaway.

Insects scurry around,
over and under the rugs like
Commuter cars that have
No time or regard for anyone
Or anything.

Scuttling and scraping with their
Multiple legs across the tile floor.
The sound is like running a disc sander
over my eardrums, until they are smooth.

The coolness of the porcelain
is second only to the stillness of the floor.
No spinning in and out of infinity,
Just blessed tranquility.

Warm booze, cured to a fine, sour punch
Lingers behind my tongue.
Any movement will break the dam,
uncorking this night of excess
with a pungent exclamation mark.
If there is truly a God in heaven,
he will put me out of this misery…until next weekend.

__________________
"It's none of their business that you have to learn how to write. Let them think you were born that way."
-Ernest Hemingway

www.scorpology.com
www.clevelandchatters.com My Hangout

Penelope

I can't say as I want to be reminded of these sort of escapades. oh well .. ya did anyhow

__________________
"Trees cause more pollution than automobiles do." Ronald Reagan ~ 1981

Poetry Editor @ Sacred Twilight

~~

I love the last verse. It brings everything together with some punchy phrases.

"Warm booze, cured to a fine, sour punch"

"uncorking this night of excess
with a pungent exclamation mark."

Nice imagery.

My only criticism is that it doesn't all flow as well as the last verse: lines like "like slowly degraded ammonia", "emulating the great masters", "the sound is like running a disc sander"... they're wordy rather than rhythmic.

Burnz

Pen-does bring back some old moments from my past

Sign Person-thanks for the advice, it is kinda chunky in some of the verses. I'll look into reworking it. Glad you liked it though.

__________________
"It's none of their business that you have to learn how to write. Let them think you were born that way."
-Ernest Hemingway

www.scorpology.com
www.clevelandchatters.com My Hangout

ms. vodka

Dang, Burnzy, this is really good...

man, i'm glad i stopped in... i should be folding laundry...

but this is so good... the imagery, but then, you really are excellent with imagery.

there is nothing i can suggest that would improve this piece.

thanks for the great read,
vodka

Burnz

Vodka-

Thank you for the compliments. I just need to focus Danielsan, and pick what I want to write. I feel somedays like I'm shooting words out of my head like buckshot from a shotgun. They get sprayed every which way. Glad you liked it.

__________________
"It's none of their business that you have to learn how to write. Let them think you were born that way."
-Ernest Hemingway

www.scorpology.com
www.clevelandchatters.com My Hangout

Gehrig

Ok - one quibble (maybe).

Your poem is closing time to someone sober - maybe the bartender?

To someone who has enjoyed a few spirits, closing time is a sad time, but all in the world is good. Rats could be pets, and the stains on the wall could be art.

All in they eye of the beholder, and depends whether s/he is pissed.

A nice work all the same - congrats.

\/

__________________
"If I see an ending, I can work backward."
- Arthur Miller

Burnz

Gehrig-

Thanks. glad you liked it. There are many angles and players in the event of closing time. So much nicer to be the enbriated one, except the purging.

__________________
"It's none of their business that you have to learn how to write. Let them think you were born that way."
-Ernest Hemingway

www.scorpology.com
www.clevelandchatters.com My Hangout

Penelope

I just remembered something!
Closing Time by Leonard Cohen
link: http://www.oldielyrics.com/lyrics/le...sing_time.html

gotta love it!

__________________
"Trees cause more pollution than automobiles do." Ronald Reagan ~ 1981

Poetry Editor @ Sacred Twilight

Psycho6058

Sounds like someone "Party'd a little to hardy"
I love it, fun poem.

__________________
All that is necessary for the forces of evil to win the world is for enough good men to do nothing...Edmund Burke

Burnz

Psycho-

Thanks and yes, a memory still all too vivid from my past.

__________________
"It's none of their business that you have to learn how to write. Let them think you were born that way."
-Ernest Hemingway

www.scorpology.com
www.clevelandchatters.com My Hangout

mike5446g

you certainly paint a clear picture here

I was instantly reminded of being within the grip of some hellbent hangover-complete with the morning-after residue of yellow beer and cigarette smoke fresh in my mouth.

pastiche

That wonderful moment - "The coolness of the porcelain
is second only to the stillness of the floor. "
Better than sex.
(Well, always seems so at the time... LOL)


Excellent images. Fine write.

__________________
The eyes rule all...

Burnz

Mike-Feels like the inside of your mouth was used as a floor mat in a taxi cab. LOL.



Pastiche-Thanks, glad you enjoyed it. I think we have all been there on that floor once in our lives at least.

__________________
"It's none of their business that you have to learn how to write. Let them think you were born that way."
-Ernest Hemingway

www.scorpology.com
www.clevelandchatters.com My Hangout