rashadow

I miss that look that was always on your face
Right before you hopped in the ride
The curves of your shape the grip on your waist
The way you was moving them thighs

I miss your smile the way you played
Those games you played with my time
How you told me no but really meant yes
And always changing your mind

I miss those nights just sitting back
Talking this not speaking that
But thinking back I really miss
Those time when we were just relaxed

I miss you more than I miss my youth
Would kiss you all and release in you
Everything I have just to join our roots
So we can born and conceive a truce
That includes us both strictly me and you

I miss that walk and I miss that smile
And I miss that ass it would drive me wild
And I miss your kiss your touch your lips
And I miss your moan how you turn and twist
And I miss you running to escape the d**k
And I miss those hips I really miss you miss

And you know what I miss most of all
The way you would go down and show me love
Moving your head in time with us
And I love you for that way more than you know
Because in that one single act you have gained all my trust
You have shown me your like can be tempered by lust
You have shown me that you could pleasure us both
Just by pleasuring me and that’s pleasure itself

__________________
I think...therefore...

http://www.myspace.com/silenciobarnes

ms. vodka

rashadow, where have you been?

just come to drop this little bomb on us?

hmmm, this is, as usual for you, a very interesting and moving read.

I think it was a little wordy in spots, and overall reads as though it could do with maybe one more polishing edit.

But it's very pretty nonetheless, and heartfelt, and truthful.

I really like this:

and this:

the stanza with all the ands isn't working for me, it's too choppy with the repetition. I think with the removal of the extra ands you could make it flow better and it would be more about the words and less about the 'ands' themselves.

this is very pretty:

your honesty is so refreshing rashadow, and that last stanza was very brave. you have quite a way with words and if she hasn't come back already, she's an idiot.

vodka

rashadow

I miss that look that was always on your face
Right before you hopped in the ride

The curves of your shape the grip on your waist
The way you was moving them thighs

I miss your smile the way you played
Those games you played with my time

How you told me no but really meant yes
And always changing your mind

I miss those nights just sitting back
Talking this not speaking that

But thinking back I really miss
Those time when we were just relaxed

I miss you more than I miss my youth
Would kiss you all and release in you

Everything I have just to join our roots
So we can born and conceive a truce

That inludes a form that constricts like noose
That includes us both strictly me and you

I miss that walk and I miss that smile
I miss that ass it would drive me wild

I miss your kiss your touch your lips
I miss your moan how you turn and twist

I miss you running to escape the d**k
And I miss those hips I really miss you miss

And you know what I miss most of all
The way you would go down and show me love

Moving your head in time with us
And I love you for that way more than you know

Because in that one single act you have gained all my trust
You have shown me your like can be tempered by lust

You have shown me that you could pleasure us both
Just by pleasuring me and that’s pleasure itself

__________________
I think...therefore...

http://www.myspace.com/silenciobarnes

rashadow

Thank you Ms. V for the reading of and critiquing of my poetry. With your words in mind I broke the poem into two line verses to break up any wordiness, and I got rid of the "ands" even though I think they sound spectacular when I read this aloud.

__________________
I think...therefore...

http://www.myspace.com/silenciobarnes

nae411

I read it out loud in the tone I thought you'd read it and with that beat in mind it flows rather well. But I agree without the "ands" and extra words it makes the poem sexier.

Glad to see you back.

Nae ;0)

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