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Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc.

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Old 06-23-2005, 07:21 PM   #1
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The Pride is in The Pain that leads to The Strength

Last edited by stephanie : 11-24-2008 at 02:56 PM.
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Old 06-23-2005, 07:32 PM   #2
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Hi....
Nice poem overall, i like how it sends a strong message across....my only criticism is that it seems a little repetitive.....could just be me....hope to see moreof your stuff soon.....keepwriting!!

JW
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Old 06-23-2005, 08:01 PM   #3
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The Pride is in The Pain that leads to The Strength

Last edited by stephanie : 10-20-2008 at 12:57 AM.
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Old 06-24-2005, 11:51 AM   #4
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if a poem is overly-repetitive, sometimes it can become boring.

your words will carry much more emphasis if they are chosen carefully for their impact, rather than if you repeat the same thing over and over.

vodka
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Old 06-24-2005, 09:55 PM   #5
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I found it took me 3 reads to get through this with some sense of what was being said. To make it, I read each 2nd line, as I found the repetition irksome.

Also, it makes it difficult to keep your reading line when both above & below are almost identical. (& there's nothing wrong with my vision) so I imagine for those with some eyesight difficulty, the mass of text would be hard to read.

I think if you made each thought stand by itself then followed with the followups, it would have more impact than the repetition

eg.
I am calling out to you, but you don’t hear me

My voice is an echo that only I can hear
I am just a piece in your imaginary world
Your body bleeds into mine without recognition of touch

I am crying out to you, but you don’t hear me

The sounds coming from me are distant noises in your past
My body sheds no light, like my eyes shed no tears
Our souls are too different to ever become one
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Old 06-24-2005, 11:41 PM   #6
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The Pride is in The Pain that leads to The Strength

Last edited by stephanie : 10-20-2008 at 12:57 AM.
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