Lilypad Dance - Writers Forum

broken_tears · 06-19-2005, 06:01 AM

Out of the depths of the forest
A young girl with skin as pale as silk
Sways and twirls to the edge of the river bank,
where the clouds stand clear as milk.
The frogs leap out of the water
Fill their chests with air and croak,
They signal the crickets to begin the moonlit melody
wades in the water her skirt soon soaks.
The frogs and the crickets are singing now
The young girl is swaying along,
She waits for the lilys to bloom
They open as they see her, just as in the song.
She lifts herself onto a lily pad,
Rises and sways into the clear night air
She hops from one to the other
Strips her clothes from her body, her silken skin bare.
She stares up into the star filled sky,
Hums to the crick of the crickets in a trance,
Her face is scattered with moonlight
But she does this every night, the lily pad dance.
She Dips her toes into the still cool water
The ripples fade into the night,
She kisses her invisible partner as they waltz,
The pigeons in the forest take flight.
She steps off her lily pad onto a rock now,
Her slender feet are careful not to slip
As she descends into the water the song gets softer,
She fills her hands with water, takes a sip.
The frogs are back behind their lily pads
The crickets go back to sleep,
Soon she has disappeared into the water
The forest that has lost her can only weep.

(poetry isn't my strong point but i enjoy doing it and would like to improve any advice would be appreciated.)

Psycho6058 · 06-19-2005, 07:42 AM

Very pretty (and subtly erotic). Nice images, the only thing that bothered me was "...clouds stand clear as milk" I don't know where you buy your milk, but mine is never clear. I can picture this poem in one of those books about faeries. Nice job.

mammamaia · 06-19-2005, 12:15 PM

...this has the potential to be a fine poem/story, bt... but erratic meter/line length/rhyme and some inconsistency in grammar/word choice/spelling and continuity needs work to make this as good as it can be... dividing into stanzas will make it a better read, also...

...here's just a sample of what could improve this a bit [it seems to want to be 4-line stanzas, so that's how i'll arrange it]:

Quote:

Out of the depths of the forest,
comes a young girl with skin like silk.
She sways and twirls on the river's bank,
under clouds clear as mother's milk.

Frogs leap out of the water,
fill their chests with air and croak,
signal crickets to begin their melody
as she wades in, her feet to soak.

The frogs and the crickets sing away,
while the young girl sways along,
waiting for the lilies to bloom
as they do in the old folk song.

...this is only one way it can be 'fixed'... i'm sure you can come up with others... but i think you'll agree it works better when you give it some sort of structure that is consistent throughout and give more thought to the meaning of each line and how it relates to the others...

...finally, capitalizing first word in each line hasn't been the standard for over a century now, and doing so actually makes it harder for the reader to know how to read the poem... punctuating and capitalizing as 'sentences' makes the meaning much more accessible and give the reader clues to how it should sound...

...you have a lovely little story here and some very nice lines... i'm looking forward to seeing your next draft...

...hope this helps... love and hugs, maia

mammamaia · 06-19-2005, 12:19 PM

wayne:
as for 'clear as milk' i have to agree...

i suggested changing it to 'mothers' milk' since that is both 'whitish' and 'clear' [i've produced enough of it to know!] which i can imagine wispy clouds being like... that allows the 'milk' to remain as rhyme for 'silk' and still make sense...

broken_tears · 06-19-2005, 01:55 PM

What about pure as milk?
give me a minute to rethink the metre and i will re-post it here soon.

broken_tears · 06-19-2005, 02:09 PM

Out of the depths of the forest
a young girl with skin as pale as silk,
Sways and twirls to the edge of the river bank
where the clouds stand pure as milk.

The frogs leap out of the water,
Fill their chests with air and croak.
They signal for crickets to begin,
as she Wades in the water her skirt soon soaks.

The frogs and the crickets are singing now,
The young girl is swaying along.
She waits for the lilys to bloom
they open as they see her, just as in the song.

She lifts herself onto a lily pad,
Rises and sways into the clear night air
she hops from one to the other,
Strips her clothes from her body, her silken skin bare.

She stares up into the star filled sky,
hums to the crick of the crickets in a trance.
Her face is scattered with moonlight
But she does this every night, the lily pad dance.

She Dips her toes into the still cool water,
the ripples fade into the night,
She kisses her invisible partner,
the pigeons in the forest take flight.

She steps off her lily pad onto a rock now,
her slender feet are careful not to slip
As she descends into the water the song gets softer,
she fills her hands with water, takes a sip.

The frogs are back behind their lily pads,
the crickets go back to sleep.
Soon she has disappeared into the water,
the forest that has lost her can only weep.

I need help still with 'She stares up into the star filled sky,
hums to the crick of the crickets in a trance' and also 'As she descends into the water the song gets softer,' the problem is i still want to keep much of the same imagery. The lines are just too long though. Anyway what do you think of how i changed it?

mammamaia · 06-19-2005, 02:11 PM

better, but still too ragged in meter and awkward in places grammatically/syntactically...