UnknownFluke

Not so much a poem or anything of sorts. Just thoughts I had a long time ago. When I look back on it its interesting to see how down I was. Much better now *laughs*

PEN TO PAGE

Empty page set out before me
Words can't be written to say how I feel
Emotions run down too fast to catch
Jot them down before my grip runs slack

Pain, its what's inside
Its what I feel
Love, So far away
Want it so bad
Hate, has passed away
Now just a slow dull thud
Loneliness, consumes me whole
Everyone has left
Greed, I want it all
But can I have none
Happiness, A fleeting emotion
Empty hand grasps out for more
Joy, I felt it once
So far away, I've lost its warmth
Rage, How sweet the taste
So bitter when its gone
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Let me know what you think. Its a bit more angsty than anything I would write now, but I would still like to hear opinions.
Cheers

__________________
Songs were written to tell my story,
Songs were written to tell my lies,
Songs were written so hear my cries

journyman161

I found it a little jerky to read, as if it's more a listing than a smooth flowing thread. Each pair of lines in Vs 2 reads well enough, but without the common thread, the poem doesn't grab. (me anyway)

Greed, I want it all
But can I have none - did you mena, 'but I can have none'?

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*He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
*Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words? - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
*Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it - Moses Hadas
*He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know - Abraham Lincoln

Sunshine_Haze

hey unknown fluke

i really like this, i think with some work it could turn out pretty well. you say its a bit more angsty than anything you'd write now, don't be ashamed of feeling that way normally the best writing is the stuff that's honest. if that's how you felt nobody can tell you it's bad. think all you need to do is sit down with it and work out some form of structure and i'm sure you'll figure it out. but don't throw it away!!!

thumbs up from me, but think it could be really good x x x

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Sunshine_Haze

As Ralph Waldo Emerson said "I hate quotations, tell me what you know"

UnknownFluke

Thankyou all for the replies.

journyman161: Yes it is very rough. I didn't realize how much until I was actually typing it out on here. As far as the greed line... that is how I meant for it to be written. its suposed to mean can I live with having nothing at all. I guess i will have to work with it and try to bring that out a bit more.

Sunshine Haze: I'm glad you liked it. It was definitely what was going through my mind when I was writing it. As I said I don't really write stuff like this anymore because I'm not depressed and pissed at the world like before lol. Well, not all the time anyway. I will definitely try and work on it some when I have the time.

__________________
Songs were written to tell my story,
Songs were written to tell my lies,
Songs were written so hear my cries