Rico

Go look in the closet
over there in the corner
next to the shoes, behind the pants.

What? The little squashed box that
looks like a piece of trash?
Want me to throw it out for you?

That’s my heart, my soul
I guess it’s already ripped and shredded –
Might as well throw it out.

~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+

Now come over here
and open the cabinet
over the sink, give it a look

What? All these pills in here;
there must be twenty different kinds
Are you dying or something?

Twenty? Sounds about right
most of them legal some of them not
toeing that line between living and dying.

~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+

Last stop on the tour; come
to my bedroom, over there
by the wall, ready to go.

What? A suitcase packed; makes you
look like a man on the run –
You planning on leaving?

Leaving – no, no, but I’m
never home: working or traveling;
you won’t see me much.

~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+

You ignored me and tried to push me away, but
Do you think that your problems will scare me?
You think I’m not man enough to stand by your side?
I’m here, for you, for always.

ms. vodka

My goodness Rico,

how very brave.

all my love,
Jen

dannyboy

jesus Rico lets just get real honest here!

What i'd like though is that you taker out the real personal stuff and keep the images, the suitcase, the pills etc - then I think you'd have something even mor epowerful and far more universal.

But that's just my opinion.

journyman161

I like the 'conversation' presentation. Unfortunately, there's nothing in this for me to critique, but I can tell you what I got.

For me, this seemed a fight to show the Real; that you are trying to short-circuit someones excuses & show that, behind the starry eyes, there is somenone who has been through it all & been strengthened.

At around the 2nd triplet, I thought maybe it was building to a confessional, but the last triplet changed all that.

Even if I've got it wrong, very good work. I enjoyed it.

__________________
*He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
*Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words? - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
*Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it - Moses Hadas
*He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know - Abraham Lincoln

Rico

Jen: I just followed your advice. That's all. You deserve the credit.

dannyboy: thats something to consider, I may do that if i ever get around to revising this (or anything, for that matter). thanks for reading

journyman: right enough, except that it was my excuses being shortcircuited.

thanks to all

Mikan_J_C

Amazing stuff Rico. The conversational format worked great for me as did the poem in and of itself. I could only expect such great work from somone who's helped me as much as you have.

__________________
A picture's worth a thousand words, but I'd rather write the thousand words than draw a damn picture.

www.mikespoetry.tk

Rico

Thanks for taking a look, Mikan

Mikan_J_C

Any time, anyone who's helped me out as much as me at least deserves to have his work appreciated. I'll be looking for your work whenever I can.

__________________
A picture's worth a thousand words, but I'd rather write the thousand words than draw a damn picture.

www.mikespoetry.tk

Mikan_J_C

besides, you always check out my work so I figure I may as well take a good look at yours. And it's always more than worth it.

__________________
A picture's worth a thousand words, but I'd rather write the thousand words than draw a damn picture.

www.mikespoetry.tk

103_smalls

why, i say, Rico, I did enjoy this very much. Especially the last line of the last stanza... made me smile very widely.

And as the first commenter put it, very brave of you to confess your problems like this. That is an admirable quality in a person.

__________________
GOD HELP ME!

IT'S THE SOUND THAT MAKES ME PUNCH INFANTS! (but not ms. vodka's)

Rico

thanks smalls...though those words are not actually mine...they were said to me...i thoughtlessly stole them (but i don't think he'll mind)

Jp

I agree with danny on this one...

__________________
.
All I know I know because I have the fortune or misfortune of having to teach myself. -- Yehthatsme

Rico

mmm right, once i've gotten past the hangover, i'll take another look and see what i can do with it...nothing better to do this sunday afternoon...

thanks JP

Rico

thanks for taking a look Jorge, I appreciate it.

And yes, the last stanza is a response.

However, I may be done writing for a few weeks, I may not be in much of a writing mood for a while.

requiem_for_the_dead

interesting, made me think.....

__________________
The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between the lightning and the lightning bug.
Henry David Thoreau