white~water

Snap.
Elastic band wound tighter... tighter.
i go snap.
the voices in my head are let out,
these demons, these monstrs
this technicolour nightmare...
it forms blossoms... its in bloom.
my nightmare, my demons are in bloom.

I can hear you whipser, cunning
callous.
at the back of my mind, it sneaks
slips its way through my thoughts.
I can hear you.

Wish i couldn't.

Snap... snapping, twisting, breaking, falling
f a l l i n g

Wont you catch me?
Wont you please?

You can see how im broken, shattered
im lost here
and there's no-one here to help me.

This elastic band, growing ever tighter, and then,
ping.
it's gone.
my security all gone.

It's far too late for these written words
the time for action is here

sitting slowly spinning the pointed blade on the table
mesmerised by the light
dancing on its point

mesmerised by the point
dancing on my skin.

it's too late. Too late for words.

I'm already broken - was shattered long ago.

__________________
i hope that when the world comes to an end i can breathe a sigh of relief because there will be so much to look foward to
~Donnie Darko~

mybluehell

this could be a lot more powerful without the whole shattered's and broken's. it seems a bit cliche at this point because of all the crappy lyrics on the airwaves right now. i don't mean this in a hurtful way and i absolutely empathize with your message here and i think that other than those it was a very good piece.

it couldn't be the same thing without alluding to breaking in some way because of the elastic, but perhaps rephrasing? anyway, it is what it is and i think you have a great direction.

__________________
“I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness, starving hysterical naked, dragging themselves through the negro streets at dawn looking for an angry fix; angel-headed hipsters burning for the ancient heavenly connection to the starry dyn” -Alan Ginsberg

my music
http://www.myspace.com/BlueIsNaked

MisterSpider

I think I've read this a thousand times before.

Where has Creativity gone?

__________________
Darling, we love you.

ms. vodka

You obviously have something that you need to let out... I completely understand where you are coming from.

I am going to offer some suggestions here... and hope that they do not offend you. I personally view editing as something almost pleasurable... like perfecting a pedicure... it's a sort of fun game.

First of all, since poetry tends to be so short, it is extremely important that you choose each word as carefully as possible... to get the impact that you are looking for. Avoid repetition unless it unavoidable, in your opinon. And by all means, avoid cliche. Nothing will get you ripped apart faster...

But most importantly, keep writing and keep reading. Nothing will make you grow more as a writer than by reading others that you admire... and by writing yourself. I hope the edit below helps illustrate my points somewhat... I wouldn't have taken the time if I don't think that you have a large amount of potential. (Not that I think its better, by any means... just more to the point...)

Oh, and also, keep in mind that you have five senses to work with... as a writer you get to illustrate everything...

Elastic band wound
until i snap.
the voices in my head
have been released.
this technicolour nightmare.
forms blossoms...
my nightmare
is in bloom.

Your whispers
from the back of my mind
are cunning and callous.
Sneaking, slipping
through my thoughts,
carrying panic
that i don't want.

I snap
and
f
a
l
l

praying that
someone will
catch me,
but shattered
there is no one.
No security now
but there never was.

I watch the knife
on the table
as it spins.
Light reflected from
its point.
Its point now
flirting with my skin.

(Notice that the ending leaves your reader hanging slightly, wondering if you will actually go through with it??? )

Respects,
vodka