Long Haul Rail Ride/ Ceramic Poetry - Writers Forum

mybluehell · 06-01-2005, 01:58 PM

Author's Note:

Quote:

These are two separate pieces, I didn't want to over-do it by posting two separately.

Long Haul Rail Ride

Saw some days being rendered through the memories of a diary
They would have been forgotten, lost in awful careless periphery
from looking so straight ahead, ignoring the scenery along the way
you know it's a long road but yellow lines they become blurred
into a shapeless flash or soundless gasp gone before you exhale
and through all this time just been waiting for rest destination
but forgot what passed, the names of roads or the passages you took
could be so helpful and meaningful now if had taken time to absorb
all the surroundings except for some scribbling scripture on some pages
capturing only half the sentence, just a portion of the whole
and now at a turning point it all rushes back, trying to renew
or retell, even recall but you can't, but you've learned a lesson haven't you?

~-+~-+~-+~-+~-+~-+~-+~-+~-+~-+~-+~-+~-+~-+~-+~-+~-+~-+~

Ceramic Poetry

All smiles you seem to me
but I see some sour scowl,
a hint of dis-ease.
I love those imperfections
I am those imperfections
And when those callouses return to me
As I press on the strings precariously
Minor and insignifigant chords
gaining importance, sounding through
Slicing me with vibration
Turns my gut and makes me feel whole again

Cold static cease, form fill me with warmth
Flow filling cast like this was predetermined
Imagine manufacturer lines
How we so fit together, love.
This is fragile ceramic poetry
we need no paint, no our seams are clean
But maybe some holes cut in for eyes
So flames can exchange
A beaming truth, subtle, profusely
emitting and permitting the use
of this word I've been so shy
To commit to any verbal connotation
Shown sharply through wide eyes.

06-01-2005, 06:38 PM

bluehell,

i like these both very much...

the first one... had sort of the rythm of a train ride even... the sort of rocking, rythmic motion of riding on a train... even the little divider below looked like train tracks. the only problem i had with it was the repetition of the word "but" in the last two lines... felt a little akward...

the next one, though... i liked that very much too. Stanza two really got to me...

thanks for the good read,
vodka

dannyboy · 06-01-2005, 06:49 PM

funny how three days on a train will make you write a train poem.

mswietek · 06-01-2005, 11:26 PM

Blue,

This poem deserves more replies. Ceramic Poetry is your best one yet. It starts strong, knows where its going and (importantly) knows when to end.

Publication worthy.

Michael

mybluehell · 06-02-2005, 01:47 AM

thank you all very much. i have a marked amount of respect for the three of you and i take to heart much of your input.

Dannyboy: it is funny how being on a train will make you write something pertaining to trains, eh?

Ms. V: thank you for your kind words. i was particularly liking these two and i kept reading them over and over. and now that you mention it the "but's" do seem repetitive, i'll change it when i recover.

mstwietek: no offense but i honestly thought you were a girl up until now because the ms looks like Ms., but i guess it must be initials or something. that's just me not paying attention. at any rate, thank you very very much for your words of encouragement. as i happens i plan on doing a DIY publication of my work for a portfolio type if thing since i'm now out in california and have the opportunity to be an intern at the Tribune.

thanks again.

journyman161 · 06-02-2005, 08:54 AM

I enjoyed both, but ceramic poetry stands out. Long Haul gives me that feeling when you've been on for a while & everything sort of recedes from awareness; you still see them but it's almost like a daydream as the world passes behind you.

In Ceramic, my only possible change would be, last line, 1st stanza. Given the musical references just before, perhaps "Tunes my gut...' rather than Turns? For me 'turns' implys a sick feeling, as when you sniff rotten meat & it turns your stomach, yet here it's being used implying getting well.

Rico · 06-02-2005, 10:15 AM

hey mybluehell...ceramic poetry was by far my favorite of the two. I've got a hangover, and so the first one reads too heavily in my mind...that makes no sense, but I know what I mean...

Quote:

I love those imperfections
I am those imperfections

yes...love it

Quote:

This is fragile ceramic poetry
we need no paint, no our seams are clean
But maybe some holes cut in for eyes
So flames can exchange

is there a mising comma somewhere in the second line? (seams/clean

uninteional or did it creep in?)

mybluehell · 06-02-2005, 01:04 PM

Quote:

(seams/clean uninteional or did it creep in?)

rico: i guess it just crept in. i hardly notice these things, but thanks for pointing it out. i like it though. hope your hangover goes well... goes away i mean.