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Nice poem, but not up to Suffer. It's subjective opinion, but I expected a little more emotion in verse 3 - felt a little let down when it was emotionally 'quiet.'
I think I'd lose the punctuation - in poems I only use it if it's within the lines, so I van give some indication of phrasing. Don't htink it's needed here.
Only thing I found was some of the beats. I've put an example below that works better for me. See what you think.
with rules and with guidelines
no freedom for me
institutional entrapment
that no-one can see
no bars are installed
no physical block
no barriers stop me
not even a lock
yet the walls all around me
intensely confine
for all i can do
is follow guidelines
institutional entrapment - I'm not happy with this as I have to almost abbreviate 'institutional' as it still has an extra beat, but felt changing it more would be re-writing your work. That's your job. (grin)
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*He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
*Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words? - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
*Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it - Moses Hadas
*He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know - Abraham Lincoln
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