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Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc.

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Old 05-30-2005, 05:40 PM   #1
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beasty_beats
confinement

with rules and guidelines;
no freedom for me;
institutionalised entrapment;
so no-one can see;

no bars are installed;
no physical block;
no barricade to stop me;
not even a lock;

but yet the walls around me;
feel intensely confined;
for all i can do;
is follow guidelines!
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Old 05-30-2005, 05:44 PM   #2
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103_smalls
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Nice poem. I think my favorite thing with this poem is the way taht every line flowed flawlessly into the next. Perfect rhyme.. everything was perfect. And I also like the meaning behind it too... and if I didn't catch the meaning that you meant to put out there, I at least enjoy the one that I got out of it!
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Old 06-02-2005, 09:44 AM   #3
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Nice poem, but not up to Suffer. It's subjective opinion, but I expected a little more emotion in verse 3 - felt a little let down when it was emotionally 'quiet.'

I think I'd lose the punctuation - in poems I only use it if it's within the lines, so I van give some indication of phrasing. Don't htink it's needed here.

Only thing I found was some of the beats. I've put an example below that works better for me. See what you think.

with rules and with guidelines
no freedom for me
institutional entrapment
that no-one can see

no bars are installed
no physical block
no barriers stop me
not even a lock

yet the walls all around me
intensely confine
for all i can do
is follow guidelines

institutional entrapment - I'm not happy with this as I have to almost abbreviate 'institutional' as it still has an extra beat, but felt changing it more would be re-writing your work. That's your job. (grin)
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*He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
*Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words? - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
*Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it - Moses Hadas
*He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know - Abraham Lincoln
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